ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping. Comics.

While CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophistocated terror network the world has ever seen, they conclude, “They ain’t Hydra”. This may appear reassuring, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s grip on reality. Then things got weirder.

Additional revelations coming out of the CIA recently point to a huge strike in the U.S. by ISIS aimed squarely at the comicbook industry. According to a classified CIA report uncovered by The National Enquirer, ISIS has been cultivating disaffected youth in the U.S. for several years.

“The largest repository of aimless, disassociated, anti-social or simply socially inept males of low intelligence, high gullibility and no girlfriends is in the comicbook demographics,” said Dr. Gunter Chang, Director of Cognitive Studies at the Central Intelligence Agency. “This makes them wide open for any type of depraved imagery and twisted reality.”

“But enough preaching about Seth Rogen! Let me be blunt!” Chang continued. “Youth that shuts out reality playing games comprise only 13% of successful recruiting efforts by ISIS. That’s because at least they are doing something. Porn aficionados make up less than 1%. Joysticks aside, the comicbook demographics make up the rest. The radicalization potential of an empty vessel approaches infinity in the presence of a cataylst like glossy-over-stylized-pseudo-violent-make-believe.”

Others at the CIA claim to have uncovered ISIS connections in a string of what were initally thought to be unreated events of vandelism and arson focused on comic resellers. The arson attacks on warehouses of Mile High Comics in Colorado and MyComicShop in Dallas, two of the largest reseller of back issues and used comics in the U.S., is only the tip of the iceberg.

‘I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Chuck Rzanski, The Godfather of the industry and somewhat bi-polar owner of Mile High Comics. “All my inventory, gone in an instant, kind of like the value of Superman Vol 2 Issue# 75, The Death of Superman,” Rzanski laughed manically before pulling a gun and forcing an end to the interview.

What these high profile attacks has done is send the price of silver and copper age comics through the roof and it is believed that ISIS is selling it’s own vast comicbook collection on the black market for millions. Plus they are rumored to be launching 12 new comic titles after the first of the year.

A video released after the attack on the warehouse of Searchlight Comics in New Jersey showed a black clad teen recklessly swinging a blade around, injuring a few other black clad figures standing nearby. When the video resumed, the figure declared “Death to the U.S. comic industry!” and added, “Maybe now my freaking Punisher collection will be worth something.” He promised more attacks on comic related activities in the near future until his mother came down to the basement and made him stop.

Experts at the CIA tried to mitigate the extent of the threat. They point out that the comic industry is a very resilient hard target that has seen tougher times than this. According to counter-terrorism expert Frank Castle, “This may sound dire, but from our analysis The Punisher is never going to be worth crap!”

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13 comments on “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market

  1. They were malcontents and you know it, TM. Unearthly forces were the lesser of two evils. Or were they the greater? Stop confusing me, I’m a writer, not a mathematician!

  2. And as for Renee Montoya, she was a questionable character from the beginning. And don’t get me started on that slimy Curt Conners.

  3. The comicbook universe is notoriously schizoid. So that’s what happens when creators and artists have unprotected sex with their characters. You also have to consider the fact that Harley Quinn is like Jessica Rabbit. She’s not bad, she’s just drawn that way. Whereas Renee was drawn AND framed. Go fig.

  4. How. Dare. You. Accuse me of reading Gould or anyone else from Harvard? I’m a Yale man thank you very much. As for Hovind, that snake handler couldn’t even draw an underground press comic character, less known have made Harley Quinn so damned fine.

    Granted, he probably collaborated on the Crisis on Infinite Earths story arch given the shody way it tried to tie together the loose ends of the DC universe, but then again Superman’s bones have never been found in ANY of those realities. So the entire universe is probably, oh say, no more than 100 years old. Max.

    But at least Stan Lee (aka God) didn’t create it.

  5. Well played TM. Using my own faculty against me. Mr. Bloom’s Shakespearean centric views do not reflect anyone else’s outside of the English Department High Priests. But I have to (reluctantly) agree with your extrapolation to comics being hobbled by just such tripe and canonization. But that’s all you’ll get from me MR T!

    If it makes you feel any better, Mr. Bloom gave me a “D”, so I spray painted his Volvo with the Green Lantern’s catch phrase.

    Careful not to mock my beloved Yale further TM. It won’t be pretty!

  6. That’s the point. Of course you don’t know it, because it ain’t Shakespeare. Not Hemmingway. Not even Stephen King. Not a cultural icon or frequently referenced work.

    Not relevant to an era, a lifestyle or even a regional vernacular.

    It’s a bunch of rhyming words that can’t stand the test of time. Because they induce no emotion or imagery. They just sound good together, self-righteous on the surface but ultimately just hollow.

    Not a comic staple like, “Flame on!”

    Weaker than “Up, up and away”.

    Less soul than, “Hulk smash” or “It’s clobbering time.”

    The dialog constraints of the comic media makes it an unsuitable vehicle for the verbose style of a Shakespeare. Naturally when someone yammers on about “brightest day and blackest night”, people just tune it out. No one remembers.

    That’s the way Bloom would explain it. I would just say, “What a bunch of pompous BullSh8t.”

  7. I just noticed the pic you used on this piece. ISIS does indeed look like a cheap hooker. But is it satire or commentary? Or just her striking a pose to catch the eyes of passing cars?

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