StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him, “not quite adequate” to join StrangleCorp in any capacity.
“Frankly, I thought he was an arrogant little prick without any tangible skills to speak of. Here he was telling me he was a computer wizard and he couldn’t even program around the wrist restraints. What a wizard wannabe!” chuckled Ms. Helm.
Helm went on to deride the NSA for “choosing poorly” in the area of handing out top secret clearances. “Just casual observation would tell you not to give this creep clearance in anything except his own bowel movements! The problem was his sense of self-worth exceeded his sense of self-preservation.
That’s a deadly combination at StrangleCorp!” When asked if she was concerned about what Snowden’s could reveal about StrangleCorp, she cackled and said calmly, “Whatever infrastructure backdoors Snowden may have been exposed to working for the NSA do not concern us since we operate on an entirely different floor, so to speak.”
When an applicant applies for a position at StrangleCorp, they go through a rigorous background investigation that makes the CIA’s process look like an newspaper subscription. “In fact, one you apply for work at StrangleCorp, we NEVER stop investigating you. Our background files are in perpetuity.”
Ms. Helm graciously agreed to ‘leak’ a few background details about Mr. Snowden to the press just to level the playing field. When asked what she would recommend the NSA do with Snowden now, she suggested, “Leave him in Moscow. He doesn’t know jack! After one vodka-fueled winter in Russia coupled with the bad food, he’ll be ready to defect to Guantanamo by spring,” she laughed.
STRANGLECORP FILES on Edward “The Rat” Snowden
On May 7, 2004, Snowden enlisted in the United States Army and broke both his legs within 4 months. He says he was doing special forces training, but most vets agree you usually have to finish basic training first. Psychological profiles indicate that Snowden was probably subconsciously embellishing his own skill set even then and simply broke his own legs to escape guard duty.
Then for some strange reason the National Security Agency (NSA) hired Snowden as a security guard for the Center for Advanced Study of Language due to his skills at exaggeration. But apparently Snowden had words with one of the employees at the Center and quit. He then joined the CIA to work in IT because he convinced them he was a “fricking genius!”
In 2007, the CIA sent him to Switzerland to hack Swiss bank accounts. He failed miserably at that task but his boyish good looks made him good bait for corrupt older bankers. Being a little slow on the draw, he recruited several bankers before he realized what the CIA was doing with him and left the Company in 2009.
Then armed with the Aura of Legitimacy from his previous positions, he was hired yet again by a supposedly security conscious company with presence in Japan. StrangleCorp intelligence reports indicate he, “ate a lot of sushi and watched a lot of hentai while listening to Pink Floyd” when he was supposedly hacking the internet and telephone systems.
As is usual with these deluded narcissist types, once their duplicity and incompetence is uncovered, they move on to another job to start the illusion all over again. He was working for Booz Allen Hamilton only 3 months before he was revealed as only an amateur rat. “StrangleCorp requires our rats at least have the good planning to persist in a sensitive position gathering information for many years,” said Ms. Helm.
Snowden was previously residing in a Moscow airport bathroom stall on the west wall, but has since moved to a one-room Moscow flat with no bathroom. While it is widely believed that he has a vast number of sensitive documents, StrangleCorp intelligence indicates his disk drive is just full of Japanese porn.
Previously published at StrangleCorp.com
And now nobody even remembers this guy’s name