While unearthing a mass grave in the South of Sudan, a country where religious division fuels an ethnic cleansing that provides a bloody front for a resource war, a Red Cross forensics worker found a puppy, alive among the remains of the murdered Sudanese Villagers.
It was during final stages of corpse inventory, assigning a gender and age to each body for statistical analysis needed for fund raising campaigns, when excavator Lois Cambridge heard a whimper. After the bodies were cleared away, the puppy was found, emaciated, wounded and clinging to life in the knee-deep sludge of decaying human viscera.
Cambridge quickly retrieved her iphone and captured video of the pup and uploaded the footage to Youtube. “I just thought that this was something that would really tug at people’s heartstrings,” said Cambridge. “Most of these mass grave excavations are such a downer.”
After the video of the puppy went viral, it prompted an outcry of support from the American people. The Obama administration quickly seized the opportunity to garner support for this year’s massive military budget and ordered a NATO medevac, equipped with a film crew, to transport the puppy to an American Army base hospital in Germany. Shortly after the puppy was evacuated, Seal Team Six was inserted into Southern Sudan to begin reconnaissance of the countryside to see if they could recover the puppy’s mother and brothers and sisters.
Back at the Army Hospital in Germany, the puppy underwent many hours of surgery and afterward, a round-the-clock medical watch team was assembled to quickly respond to any further canine health complications. When the puppy regained consciousness and became well enough to eat solid food, the furry little fella was given hot plate of filet-mignon, complements of an Army General’s private kitchen staff. Preliminary reports from Rueters and Associated Press confirm that during consumption of the steak, the puppy’s tail began to wag. The puppy is now expected to make a full recovery to the delight of the developed world and is expected to appear on the Today Show sometime in the next month.
However, not everyone is gushing over the story of the puppy’s survival. The Sudanese locals who survived the machete attack that lead to the mass grave, had been hoping to cook and eat the puppy despite the minimal protein it would provide. Apparently the survivors have been living on rationed handfuls of US-AID rice and a communal bucket of well water contaminated with chemicals from the runoff of a nearby oil derrick. Coincidentally, the same government-sponsored warlord who exterminated half the village, also burned the soy bean fields and hijacked the village’s humanitarian food shipments in order to use hunger as a way to coerce young boys to join his ranks.
The SPCA is currently being overloaded with calls by people hoping adopt the puppy and rack up shit-loads of “likes” on survivor-puppy-driven Facebook posts. Canadian singer/songwriter Sarah Mclachlan is already at work on another emotionally manipulative commercial featuring the puppy and a single from her new album. The commercial is scheduled to air on Super-Bowl Sunday, when excessive alcohol consumption will have many Americans feeling financially vulnerable to charitable causes and just drunk enough to stomach Canadian pop music.
Donations for the puppy’s food, physical therapy, doggie-prozac, grooming, Christmas costume, obedience school and the private-jet fuel for its trip to Hollywood to present at The Kid’s Choice Awards, can be made through a PayPal account at www.fuckhumans.org.