VARIOUSLY AROUND D.C. — GlossyNews.com Trump is really pissed — he felt that only 8 years of ‘Mission Accomplished’ was not long enough to have any impact. He said, “America needs a real someone to hate.
I thought I had 2012 sealed in a jar with the Birth Certificate issue but that was blown away when he made it public last week. Much to my displeasure, I had to take all the credit for that reveal. But we lost our one best universal hate. All we, as a country, had left to hate was bin Laden — now a dead bin Laden. What’s to hate there?”
The Donald smiled coyly, “Now you know that I’ve had to change my campaign plans yet again to accommodate this latest turn of events. It’s become totally clear to me that it’s not worth it for me to run for president. This guy is now impossible to beat. He’s removing one hate after another for the American public. He’s on a fast track to making this country a place we can be happy to live in.
That’s a change even I can’t change. He’s brought the economy back from an impossible crush. He’s found 2,000,000 jobs. He’s got health reform. He’s going to get immigration reform. He’ll soon own the tax code, get both Paul Ryan and John Boehner fired, and he’ll make wanting to pay taxes the national fashion, even for the GOPTea. He’s going to Yes We Can this country right into prosperity. GOPTea grouchiness might as well be outlawed since it won’t be fun to hate anymore. Even Star Jones likes Obama. Go figure.”
Donald Rumsfeld officially came out of hiding from his basement duplex at the CIA’s Langley, Virginia offices and issued this statement, “Conventional thinking had it that he was still hiding in a cave, not an upscale residence. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have taken a basement flat. I give my great thanks to those Gitmo detainees, who gave us this important information as to his whereabouts. It’s fortuitous that Obama wasn’t able to close Gitmo. If he had, we still wouldn’t know where he was hiding.”
Rumsfeld almost crowed, “We finally burned his Paper Tiger ass and he’s no longer a factor. That’s a fact. A fact I intend to take to the bank. Sorry, I misspoke there, please take that out. I meant to say ‘A fact that our country can take to the bank.’ So silly of me.”
He remained smiling as he said, “This isn’t the end of our beloved radical Islamists trying to kill America. I am writing my second book now about just this topic. ‘There He Is Now: The Finding of Bin Laden’ has been the working title, and I’ve copyrighted that title just this morning.”
Almost in a whisper, Rumsfeld said, “Of course, now that he’s been captured, we will gain all sorts of intelligence from his interrogations.” Rubbing his hands together, he continued, “We will learn so much. It just makes the hair on my arms stand up. Of course it will take years, but what a treasure trove we will gain into al Qaida. We get to question Osama bin Laden! It’s not often a leader of this import turns up, so I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say. Not just because this will benefit my book, but for the cause of furthering democracy.”
Informed that Osama is really dead, Rumsfeld smiled and said “Death is the unknown. We can out-know any unknown if we put our minds to it. We will write what we know he would have said if he had been alive to say it.”
Bush revealed that he was unaware he left him alive. “You’ve got to be kidding, right? You remember that in 2001 I said, ‘Bring him on’? Well after I said that, I knew he was simply gone. That’s why I had my Mission Accomplished banner made at the Kinko’s. Come to think of it, I left that banner in the Oval Office for Obama to use anytime he wanted, but I think he burned it. That’s pretty ungrateful. Nice that you called, as Mom is here and she has something she want to say to the country about bin Laden.”
Barbara Bush came on Skype and said, “Hello there. Isn’t George something else? I hate to say this, but thanks God bin Laden’s gone. I just knew George wouldn’t give up. He’d get it done somehow. When he told me what had happened in Pakistan, I became so proud of him yet again. My boy President will go down in history some day.”
Dick Cheney was completely unable to speak when asked for a comment. He just smiled, raised the Churchillean two fingers sign and disappeared behind a tree in an undisclosed back yard. His aide said he had a bad case of laryngitis and was under doctor’s orders not to speak.
Reince Priebus, CEO of the GOPTea said on Skype, “This is an unfortunate turning point for our side’s ball game. First the Birth Certificate was actually released and now, after 3500 Days, OBL turns up Dead. We are never going to be able to spin these events to our advantage. Sure, we said we wanted the BC, but that was just party rhetoric. We thought we needed the continuing racist issue to assure us that we would keep the House and attain the Senate in 2012. Our whole campaign was based on not ever seeing that BC. And we had what we considered was our ace in the hole, that OBL is still at large. Our Hate Obama strategy there was that he had 4 years to get him and he failed. We figured that people have long since forgotten that W. didn’t even look for him in 8 years. When he left office, he left that cold trail in the Oval Office for Obama to take on.”
He continued, “Now we are really dead in the water. We haven’t one real hate issue left to run on. Obama is a real American and he somehow heroically killed bin Laden. I am beginning to understand why Steele sought out the lesbian S&M clubs for his pleasure. If you didn’t know better, you’d think Steele was clairvoyant about Obama’s abilities to govern. We’ve really got some kind of Superman in the Oval Office.”
Osama bin Laden today is openly hated in Islamist Arabia — now that he is dead. No one is left to keep them aware of why they are mad at America. That, and as Iran’s Ahmadinejad said to Hannity on Fox, “How dare he,” meaning bin Laden, “push that ‘living alone in a cave’ story while he relaxed in luxury in a gated community. He had a radical legend to build for the masses and now he turns up dead in a gated community. It looks like he didn’t think at all. What an incredible putz.”
Records show that Osama had been moving from motel to motel daily over the last 10 years. Four months ago he was forced into a permanent residence as his Koch Industries Amex Platinum was cancelled, cutting off his main source of cash. Once he stopped moving, his hourly Skype calls to all his old friends at Gitmo were easy to trace.