In the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas’ further devastation to the beleaguered Caribbean hellhole, an emergency meeting of the UN has officially declared Haiti the ‘Kenny’ of the global community.
Scholars and UN watchdogs call the unanimous decree historical, unprecedented and confusing, as it’s the only time Libya and Israel have voted alike on anything, and it’s also a label few in the developing world are familiar with.
Said NPR’s Theodore Geisel, “I recall the AIDS awareness day resolution and there was much confusion. Libya called it a Zionist conspiracy which didn’t make much sense to me. That was 1982; a fight broke out and someone even threw a shoe, but I don’t think we even found out who.”
United Nations insiders were more pragmatic in their assessment of Haiti’s new status. Some dictator’s nephew with a bunch of vowels in his name told Glossy News, “It had to be done, really. I’m personally more concerned about my girlfriend’s excessive spending, but there’s a time to look outside ourselves. [The] place I grew up in, if you have a gun and a goat you’re considered upwardly mobile. Even I feel sorry for Haiti.”
In an unexpected turn of events, traditional Conservatives have joined with South Park Conservatives, both of whom are usually opposed to all things UN in strong support of the Kenny Resolution. Famed pundit Carl Tuckerson, a mouth seemingly locked in a ‘Flying Dutchman’ search for a microphone was reached for comment at DC’s ‘Make it Look Like a Business Expense’ bistro.
Said Tuckerson, “Yeah, it’s about damned time really. Obviously, North Korea and Iran are the Cartmans of international relations, but there can be only one Kenny, right? The recent cholera outbreak has even run the Hollywood do-gooders out of Haiti, so yes, they really are Kenny.”
The resolution isn’t expected to have any direct effect on Haiti, but sure made everyone at the UN feel really good, according to sources close to the story who asked only that we say that they “really aren’t that close to the story.”
Dozens of Christian missionaries living in Haiti and sharing the daily troubles of that nation refused to comment on the Kenny resolution, ‘claiming’ they were busy and hadn’t heard anything about it… Those bastards.