Vatican City (GlossyNews.com) – Monsignor Alda Frattelli has responded to tabloid claims that the proposed Sainthood for American president, Barack Obama, has been tabled for now and his Holiness will review it in about ten or twenty years.
“Yes, that is true. The Holy See has decided to review it at a much later date to see if Mr. Obama can pull off a few extra miracles besides the one of himself getting elected.”
Pressure has begun to build in the Obama camp as aides press hard to investigate if there were any previous deeds that Obama has done in the past that could coincide with the requirements of the Vatican.
“He opened a jar of Miracle Whip that no one else could”, claimed Herbert Yelpin, a Chicago neighborhood action aide.
“He turned 73% voter approval in 2008 into 38% now!” Claims Susan Sustrend, an NBC reporter.
“He actually hailed a cab and was picked up in all-white Bensonhurst, NY!” Claims Mboto Chunka, a New York City cab driver.
“I saw him walk across a mud puddle!” Claims supporter and film director Michael Moore.
FOX News entertainer Glenn Beck even offered his support by claiming, “If his party wins anything in any election from here out, that would be a real miracle.”
The Vatican has promised to research all claims of all miraculous acts performed by Obama and will issue a white paper report in the year 2044, though some believe it could be as early as 2042. In the meantime, Pope Benedict has issued a ‘Get Of Of Hell Free Card’ to the beleaguered American President, but asserts that it is not valid for use in a “hell on earth” scenario.
Correction: An earlier version of this story referred to Glenn Beck as a “FOX News anchor”. The network is hasty to point out that Mr. Beck is not affiliated with the news division of Fox News, but the opinion division, thus freeing him from the burdens of accuracy, honesty or those pesky “fact” thingies. BKW-Editor