Theresa May: ‘Win the Hearts of Moderate Homosexual Community’

Apparently, because Theresa May is from the Conservative Party, she has the dispiriting responsibility of reluctantly assimilating individuals in a rather more blunt and crude way than Labour or Lib Dems.

So she has sworn to “engage with the moderate homosexual community,” in order to ensure that gay people do not cause any more “chaos, subversion and aesthetic terrorism.”

As a Conservative, I have no problem acknowledging that the gay community is a very legitimate one, which actually does have a right to exist, to pay taxes, and not have an illegitimate suspension of habeas corpus inflicted on them.

They all want the same thing, just like Muslims; or like any other entirely monolithic, unanimous and generally non-plural community…

Apart from the female community. I mean, you ever compare me and Harriet Harman?

Yes, to be honest, I actually do not find myself able to deny, here and now, that gay people are pretty much alright, within reason…

Well, a lot of the time, anyway.

Depending on what you mean by “a lot of the time,” of course.

Yes; if you really pushed me, I would have no choice but to concede that real, authentic, non-contrived gay people have made a great contribution to the life of this country…

Especially interior designers, X factor singers and Xmas pantomime extras.

(Some of my colleagues said the same recently about the black community, but they used football as an example instead, and there might have been a tokenistic reference to Lenny Henry in there somewhere too; so we’re obviously nicer than UKIP! And that’s saying a hell of a lot, right?)

I am convinced that if gay people want to ever be equal in this country, or at least close enough (within reason), they must constantly condemn all those “wrong kinds of gay people” who are causing trouble at home and abroad…

And needless to say, they must never shut up about this.

Yes: you cannot be neutral or ambivalent on this matter, far less silent!

(And we know your people have a habit of speaking out of turn, so why not put your wide-famed loquacity to good use?)

So, if you are gay, and someone else, say, bums someone on Hampstead Heath in broad daylight, that is not their problem. And it sure as hell isn’t mine!

(Although I’m not sure about some of my colleagues, especially a sizable proportion of the Section 28 crowd, the vast majority of whom have a habit of doing these things and not getting caught).

No. “Gay problems are YOUR problems.”

Catchy slogan, huh?

No? Well, if you don’t like it, then why don’t you just emigrate and move to an ACTUAL gay country like France or Syriza-land or something?

No, actually, preferably somewhere outside the EU. Maybe the other Syriza, the one with Bashar al-Husayn, or whatever his name is.

But if you ever want to be part of this country, then you’d better bloody well shape up and accept how we do things here.

In short: “We’re all in this together,” but some of us are on deck, gazing at the beautiful landscape, and others are shovelling shit or toiling in the galleys. I know where I’d rather be.

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