LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (1/2)

United Kingdom

Almost forgot the name of that there oul’ party until the objective BBC™ reminded me.

As them there boys on Radio Ulster say, “You boys get around, don’t ye?”

Not normally a compliment.

Still it would be very undemocratic to leave out the “somewhat less consequential and inspiring” element of the Big Three. Take it away, Cl…

Um, WHO?

Yes, this is a leaked shortlist of whoever is gonna take over from that random dude I can’t remember the name of, but to be fair, I’m probably not the only one.

My problem, to be fair. Should have picked a party who packed more electoral punch: National Front, Trot SWP, Elvis Party, or something.

Or not. Depends on how you look at it. Compare Wallace Runnymede’s previous works: “Labour Leak #68/69” and “Tory Candidates: As-Yet-Entirely-Unspeculated Cameron Coup.”

(No links included because Con-Whoever-T-F have ruined my hostile national internet takeover bid).

Pippa Middleton: UK. #2 Middleton Sister. Next Gordon Ramsay of Postmodern Party Planning.

Highly experienced at playing second fiddle to younger sibling. Hint: #IntCom

Asking future Democratically-Re-Elected/Self-Declared Emperor Sarkozy II “does my ‘fesse’ look big in this” will cause another Eurocentric “World War” in Europe when he says: “Je peux bien tapper cela”…

Still, not a bad thing (from IntCom’s perspective). Confidential-And-Never-Ever-EVER-To-Be-Revealed-Source™, Osama J McCain, informed me:

“Bombing all these shitty Third World orphans is getting boring…. looking for something a bit meatier… not TOO challenging though. Don’t pick a fight with any big guys, right?”

Wallace Runnymede: The Global Cybersphere. Discredited Faux-Onion Hack.

Pros: More-or-less makes a kind of OK-ish candidate… within reason.

Cons: This despicable hooligan from the Evil Liberal Media™ held the entire Glossynews team at gunpoint in order to get this endorsement.

Ted Nugent: USA. Respected Political Commentator, Amateur(ish) Huntsman, Cutting-Edge-One-Man-Overgrown-Kid-Boyband.

See previous.

Queen Elizabeth: UK. Current Ruler of UK, Rightful Ruler Of West Atlantic Renegade Princedom (WARP).

Solid left wing candidate. For, if the Queen became PM, it would cause a catastrophic constitutional crisis, more-or-less destroying the rule of law here.

So what else is new? You guys not been observing UK foreign policy recently?

Justin Bieber: West Atlantic Socialist Princedom (WARP WASP). Annoying Kid Who Got Squished On South Park. (Any Other Suggestions, Let Me Know).

Oh FFS. Another happy heckler? This is called being “ironic,” Bieber. Don’t Canadians get irony?

alanis morrissette

Sorry… I ABSOLUTELY DEDAIGNE DISDAIN to wade into this one.

Alanis Morissette: Canada. Single-Handedly/Unilaterally Invented Irony (I Missed Anything Out?)

Uh-uh. Pushing your luck already…

Trailer Park Boys: Canada. First Vaguely Passable Canadian Post-Colonization Cultural Artifact… (Within Reason).

URGH… SERIOUSLY! Last thing we need is to become the sub-feudal vassal of some random “notable North American nation” which doesn’t give a crap about us…


Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!