Here’s the rest of The End of History.
I’m so excited to proclaim this, I nearly expected the ceiling of my office to cave in.
…Not the glass ceiling, of course.
For, just like the 100%-Anti-State-Patronage-And-Condescension-Dems, Republicans don’t have a problem with women.
Indeed, as a top ranking white male heterosexual Republican source ever-convincingly reassured me:
“It’s only those goddamn dirty Arabs that we have a problem with.”
7. Respect for global institutions!!!
We value the important role of such institutions as the United Nations and International Criminal Court, who have a proven track record of serving ComHum/IntCom/USSD as though utterly free of partisanship.
Still, if this situation ever changes, and they start persecuting innocent white/Western/heterosexual males for “war crimes,” they’d better watch the fuck out!!!
(No, I haven’t contradicted myself. Again, it’s all about pragmatic adjustment to given contextual factors. Not moralistic dogmatism!)
8. Respect for International Law!!!
The law is a necessary evil.
You must always remember, however inconvenient or painful the existence of laws may be, they exist to ensure stability and to protect those who enforce them.
As Our Exalted Forefather George III has so compassionately, benevolently informed us:
Cultivating respect for the law, i.e. for those who are its unquestionable guardians and patrons, is surely of the utmost importance…
If we are to avoid Darwinian, militaristic anarchy…
Not to mention extremist and hateful Darwinianist ideology being rammed down our children’s throats in our public schools!
This, however (in accordance with the principle of non-dogmatism), should be distinguished from special pleading…
I.e., from the cardinal vice of those lobbying for uncritical deference to laws harming the unquestionable objective interests of IntCom/ComHum/USSD.
9. Politics of the Exception!!!
More cross-party cooperation. Absolute proof just below.
Actually, we’re really Neither-Left-Nor-Right™…
And we gratefully acknowledge all existing historical precedents for this non-binary ideological stance (MYOTWYW).
Like every other US President, and every single political leader in human history, we won’t be merely setting off to attack everyone else on a mere whim…
That’s kind of impractical and inefficient!
So we’ll only
annex liberate countries where the population is subjected to unbearable, intolerable suffering and oppression.
…NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP about Ferguson! That’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, and you know it.
Uppity little shitbag.
10. Most Important of All: Always Follow the Golden Rule!!!
Obviously we don’t mean “Do as you would be done by,” because as Obama said (see, Republicans aren’t one bit partisan, not to mention racist!):
Well, such soppy, sentimental, petty bourgeois idealism is ridiculous, moralistic dogmatism. I.e., an abstract model being crudely applied without regard for concrete objective circumstances. But neoconservatism is not metaphysical right wing idealism, but scientific socialism…
Whoops! Shit, sorry for all those Marxisant Freudian slips. It’s just, most of us neocons used to be circle-jerking Trotskyites, but then we discovered we could have our cake AND eat it…
Yup! We could do the correct shit we always wanted to do AND grab a nice State stipend. Talk about a Beltway-Rightie-Zero-Sum-Game!
But OUR alternative Categorical Imperative is as follows:
“We must assert an increasingly stronger US presence on the world stage™.”
So, if you’re too backward and ignorant to have any idea what that means…
Well, wait and see!
I mean, it’s not our fuckin’ job to educate you, is it?…
11. Bonus Principle: Patriot Act Part 2.0/0.2!!!
Wallace Runnymede infallibly decrees
Sorry, this is classified, and doesn’t belong to the original official ten. I’m sticking my neck out even mentioning it.
(OBVIOUSLY, I meant the latter idiom in a PURELY FIGURATIVE manner).
Still, I guess it’s not really that important.
Like, if it was, they definitely would have told us about it, right?!
Indeed, I have it on good authority that the Bush regime will be renowned for its transparency.
I.e., it will be so crammed full of bare-assed liars, that you can see right through them the moment they open their mouths…
Or even before they do so.
Patriot Act 2.0/0.2. If you don’t come to it, it’ll come to you.
Responses from Elsewhere
Every single non member of the “International” Community (i.e., practically everyone on Earth) has already pissed themselves laughing at what they so cynically, mendaciously, hypocritically, and Un-Americanly caricature…
As the strident, dishonest, and laughable character of this SELF-EVIDENTLY enlightened, progressive, egalitarian, and generally crap-on-a-stick policy document.
With one exception.
Oh, oh, oh…
…Yup! I practically jizz myself when I hear the term “one exception.”
Like, that’s what ComHum/IntCom/USSD policy is all about, after all.
Endorsement(?!): President Assad
So, you come to my country to cause trouble, get top warmongering hawks to take selfies with jihadists, fabricate charges about chemical weapons that scholars at MIT have seriously called into question…
You make it difficult for us to fight jihadists, enabling ISIS to get a foothold for carving up the territory of various countries.
If such is the case, then I guess you really ARE speaking the truth. You Reps and Dems really HAVE constructed a hyper-context-sensitive-pragmatist-policy-framework!
In other words, all this crap you do is concocted in a moral vacuum, with ZERO consideration of ANY meaningful ethical values whatsoever. F***ING COLONIALIST ASSHOLES!”
Oh, wait, I’ve just been informed by some ivory tower pseudo-intellectual hack that this wasn’t TECHNICALLY an endorsement of Jeb’s 1000 Year Plan™…
But rather, a SHAMEFULLY SARCASTIC reply intended to CYNICALLY RIDICULE The Everlasting Bush Doctrine, In All Its Glorious Fullness!!!
Well, we don’t need to dignify such America-Hating/Un-Beltway/Anti-Bush theoretical quibbles with any response.
For, as William James declares: “Truth is what works.”
Or to put it another way: “War is all you need.”
No, no, no, no, NO!
…JUST YOU STFU!
… Well, yeah! If it’s good enough for Jeb Bush, it SURE AS HELL ought to be good enough for Cynical-Radically-Extremist-Pacificistic-Pinko-Liberal-Pinko-Libertarian-Shitbags like you!!!
Yes: truly, neither left nor right!