Categorized | Politics, War Zone

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”

Radical-Left-Wing-Ideologues™ Zizek/Beckett agree:

“Try again, fail again, fail better.”

Yes, FoxCon(n) FoxNews, I mean ACTUAL far-left-ideologues…

As distinguished from, say, Newt Gingrich/Ed Miliband/Pope Francis.

Still, Lefties-Gonna-Left, but Our Jeb…

Sorry, Our Glorious Leader…

Sorry, Our Glorious 2016 POTUS, is no raging lefty.

Nope! He’s still full of the fire of the eternally youthful and antiquated twilight of the benevolent and compassionate neocon ideology.

Yet, myriad unpatriotic shitbags insinuate that Jeb can’t measure up to the high standards of George W Bush…

And that his presidency will end up being the only possible disaster worse than a “Manchurian-Candidate-Who-Is-Bringing-Socialism-Black-Consciousness-And-Non-Underground-Hip-Hop-To-America™…”

Yup! An innumerable swarm of Un-American-Pinko-Doubters maliciously and mendaciously assert that Jeb’s body count won’t quite match up to Dubya’s.

Not even in terms of dead terrorists…

Let alone collateral damage (always the gold standard for neocon military success)…

Although there is no moral quandary regarding the latter, as such is purely numerical in character, hence self-evidently counting as Entirely-Value-Free-And-Neutral-Sociological-Data™.

…Zamyatin’s “We,” anyone?

Oh…

No, wait!

Neocons are CLEARLY ethically committed, principled and infallible patriots, viscerally despising Sovietism and every single cruel, totalitarian ideology which crushes the liberty of spirit (AND the bodies) of the individual…

Without exception.

Hmmm…

Anyway, Our Glorious White Avenger thus spake these 10 Commandments he brings down from Heaven…

All guns blazing and in the form of a drone-like angelic messenger, bearing glad tidings of burned-out orphanages and annihilated kindergartens.

1. Non-Interventionism!!!

More precisely:

The-Undogmatically-Scientific-Centre-Leaning-Pragmatist-Kind-Of-Non-Interventionist-Ideology™…

NOT The-Far-Right-Moralistic-Dogmatist-Pinko-Libertarian-Kind-Despicably-Propagated-By-People-Who-Hate-America™!

Any backward Third World/Muslim/Oriental/Pre-Civilized countries infringing the interests of any Significant Power will be disciplined.

If no evidence “beyond all reasonable doubt” is found that they are doing so, we’ll constructively and pragmatically determine alternative criteria of “burden of proof…”

Paying due attention to the given concrete/imagined context and its concurrent political constraints and opportunities (especially opportunities).

2/3. Absolute accountability, Cross-Party Co-operation!!!

My GOP really need to swing this one by not isolating potential Partners-In-Crime…

Sorry, Partners-In-Vindicating-The-Honor-Of-Our-Common-Humanity (ComHum, as Orwell called the latter).

hillary intcom

4. No More Uncivil (Not To Say Aggressive) Rhetoric!!!

For too long, primitive and backward regimes like Pseudo-Secular-Syria, Obstinately-Communist-China, Perversely-Pinko-Canada, Promiscuously-Disobedient-Germany and Sluttish-France…

Such have maliciously, cynically, and self-indulgently failed to give the International Community/US State Department (IntCom/The USSR USSD) the full measure of honor, worship, uncritical veneration that we so richly and unquestionably deserve.

Such pathological Anti-Americanism/Discourse-Crime (AA/DC) cannot remain unpunished.

Yet, we shall condescend to show a modicum of civility…

Even though such a large and unruly world as Ours clearly demands a strong hand.

In future, instead of the derogatory term “regime,” we pronounce:

“Shitty jihadist theocratic faux-secular tin-pot dictatorship!”

Instead of “our enemies,” we declare:

“Those towel-dragging bastards who hate our way of life, and who ought to be bombed back into the Stone Age, at least if they weren’t living there already!”

Instead of “collateral damage,” a term much derided by the Liberal-Zionist-Illuminati-Media (shit, a bit of paleocon slipping out there)…

Henceforth, we proclaim instead:

“All those bastard kids who should’ve known to get the f*** out of our way and not to hang around with any jihadist parents/doctors/day care workers, and who are hence 100% GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION, and deserve whatever the Hell they get.”

Yup! No skin off my nose….

Which is a Hell of a lot more than can be said for them! More like instant-fried-alive! Uncivilized little bastards.

FLIP-FLOPPING NON-INTERVENTIONISM

5. Non-Partisanship!!!

It’s not the responsibility of Our Glorious Nation to interfere in petty/local/partisan squabbles…

E.g. all those More-Or-Less-Black-Or-Whatever-Random-Kinda-Human-Ish-Types-Fighting-Each-Other-In-The-People’s-Republic-Of-The-Eastern-Congo…

Or whatever the fuck it’s called.

We’re assuming a principled stance of General-Indifference-And-Absolutely-Not-Giving-A-Shit-Ness as regards such merely particularistic, chauvinistic, micromilitary phenomena…

Maintaining a principled, consistent concern with The Bigger Picture™…

A focus externally impressive, highly lucrative both in terms of moral capital (and perhaps other merely material kinds of capital).

…Now look! It’s not ME you’re contradicting!

No… MY merely subjective, individual opinion doesn’t matter.

Take it up with Hegel, and with what His Word has told us!

For I am but a smoking wonk, blowing through the winds of Destiny/Notwendigkeit/Qismat…

Now, I have sworn only to take sides on matters of Universal Common Concern™…

I.e., on anything related to the universal interests of the Entire International Community/Our Common Humanity/The Global Village…

E.g. accessibility of oil for the US economy, trading interests for Beltway oligarchs…

Or most fundamentally of all, our absolute global monopoly on moral capital and Our Right To Choose.

6. Non-Pacifism!!!

We’ll make a middle ground between two extremes.

We won’t go off bombing every random backward savage of Our World into oblivion at the drop of a hat.

That’s a somewhat excessive approach… given recent utterly inexplicable and deplorable mutations and perversions of public opinion…

For which all such discourse criminals should be punished severely.

Precisely how, we have not yet determined…

Or at least, we have not yet made any public announcement.

More crucially, the immeasurably more pernicious alternative, i.e., the decommissioning of our entire military-industrial complex, is an absolute nonstarter.

Naturally, as all true patriots agree, anything between the two extremities of this dizzyingly vast spectrum is up for grabs, according to the entirely context-specific, value-neutral, objective, and pragmatic considerations of the moment.

Which is not to say that all policy possibilities are “equal” a priori…

Such would be merely to fall into an equally pernicious and UnAmerican form of dogmatism.

For there’s surely nothing less fitting for USSD/IntCom foreign policy than dogmatism: the application of some fixed, abstract model to international relations/military opportunities…

Clearly, such a phenomenon is utterly unprecedented in the history we have created.

What Will History Judge?

Next time, part two of Bush’s far-from-anarchistic Conquest of Bread… not to mention Conquest of Oil.

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- who has written 367 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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3 Responses to “Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)”

  1. Kilroy says:

    No uncivil rhetoric? Where’s the fun in that? The Neocons have made their brand by inflaming hordes of their Tea Party with borderline uncivil rhetoric and then unleashing them to do the real dirty work on Obama.

    But I guess they’d prefer not to have the same tactic used against them when they civilly retake the White House.

    I seriously doubt Jeb Bush is a version 2.0 either. More like that cardboard display standing next to the counter. Bright and colorful. Bigger than life. It displays all the features but ultimately nothing works when you press it.

  2. Mr TM says:

    Well, it’s like the quote in Johh Selden’s table-talk, a phrase which is now very well known in much of the English-speaking world:

    “Don’t say as I say, do what I say!”

    Oh, wait…

    Slight misquotation, so technically I’ve gone beyond mere quote-mining with that sentence. Still, as His Most Exalted Two-Of-A-Kindness hath quoth above: “Truth is what works.”

    …Sometimes I feel sorry for William James. If only he could have seen what his original, possibly perfectly innocent phrase (perhaps in context, at least), could be taken to mean in later times.

  3. Kilroy says:

    William James hasn’t been salient to modern society since world War I. Too bad though.

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