US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”
“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to come back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”
Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.
“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”
Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.
“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”
Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.
“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.
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Screw you hippie!