Not particularly renown movie critic Kilroy Kovacs was found dead early this morning after becoming stranded on the Long Island Expressway during a blizzard. Kilroy was one of four bodies discovered near an SUV which had gotten stuck and run out of gasoline. According to copious notes left behind by Kilroy, the SUV became stuck shortly before nightfall with only two DVDs: “Constantine” from 2005 and 1991′s non-hit, “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”.
“Stuck in an SUV at exit 63 with no good DVD! I know passengers can’t be choosy, but what kind of a host goes on a road trip without a proper film library?” Kilroy wrote in an obvious rage. Apparently after watching “Constantine” the group became depressed, unanimously opted out of “Bill and Ted” and wandered off into the snow to die. A statement from the Gotebo Gazette where Kovacs was a film critic notes in part, “He will not be missed.” Unfortunately, Kilroy did one last movie review shortly before his final demise.
After finally viewing the movie Constantine, I find myself personally depressed, spiritually cynical and glad I didn’t have to pay for it. This flick stars Keanu Reeves as a California-style supernatural private eye who helps a police detective (Rachel Weisz) after the strange suicide of her twin sister. Besides dual screen credits, you might not be too sure what this has to do with anything. But, when you come to realize that Constantine was reputedly born with the ability to recognize the half-breed angels and demons that walk among Mankind, and committed suicide because of it…you’ll STILL be confused. And twenty minutes into this dark, depressing tale of the blurred lines between good and evil, you might find yourself wishing “Constantine” had just opted for a “Do Not Resuscitate” bracelet.
The film can be summed up as a series of twists and turns in the dark that don’t mislead anyone old enough to legally watch this gangrenous, R-rated, head wound of a movie. Director Francis Lawrence appears to have accidentally wandered onto the set dazed and confused, thinking it was an Aerosmith video. Reportedly based on an obscure comic about an English magician/con man, one can’t help but wonder if changing the character from an English bloke to a California dude was the reason this movie’s plot got lost in translation.
If you paid good money to buy this movie because you were expecting a “Matrix” like film with extraordinary special effects, there’s good news and bad news. Good news: you get the same Neo style dialog and a plot line about as muddled as the final Matrix installment. And the bad news: you get special effects resembling the unholy love child of “The Exorcist” and “Tron”. This results in creatures a lot worst than monkeys flying out of Reeves’ butt. The movie itself will probably disappoint lovers of the comic as well as any unsuspecting dupe that gets stranded on the highway and forced to watch it. Makes you wonder, if the movie is THIS bad, just how bad can Hell possibly be?
The New York Times is reportedly in negotiations via Ouija Board with the ghost of Kovacs regarding a weekly review of Hell. More on this story as it develops.