GlossyNews.com – With election day at hand magazines are getting in on the political action with endorsements, often ham-handed ones, of their own. While some are obvious (oh really? NYTimes went for Obama and Wall Street Journal went for Romney? I’m shocked!) others have been more nuanced.
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Rolling Stone- “Jerry Garcia Man! He’d make the bitchiness President ever! Wait, what do you mean he’s dead?”
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Playboy- “Bill Clinton! We’d be able to make a lot of copy if he were back in the business of cigar-jamming.”
Cosmopolitan- “Sarah Palin! What a hot cover we’d have if she were elected! And the sexy articles we could write about the five moose hunting tricks that will drive your man wild. Just think of it.”
Sports Illustrated- “Bring Teddy Roosevelt back from the dead. He’s the only real man in the President’s seat since Andrew Jackson.”
Consumer’s Reports- “We’ve said Ralph Nader the last two elections and we’ll say it again this time even though he’s only running in our hearts.”
The Conservative- “We still want Gingrich. We’re just stuck with the Mormon guy. Of course, he is better any day than the black guy.”
MAD Magazine- “We’re in for Romney. Obama is too difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking target.”
Better Homes and Gardens- “Obama! Not that we want him, but his wife has just the touch that our readers like. No Negroes normally live in the neighborhoods we write about.”
TV Guide- “Definitely, unquestionably, firmly Romney. He’s owned by FOX News and they are our biggest advertiser.”
High Times- “Dude, the election isn’t until 2012.”
Field and Stream- “We pedal hunting gear, which means selling guns, which means the NRA which means the Republicans, which means Romney, whether we like him or not. And we don’t.”
Philosophy Today- “In the ultimate realm of things and in the true height and breadth of the mammoth universe in which we live, what, truly is an endorsement? But Jill Stein.”
Maxim- “Jessica Alba. Who cares if she knows nothing about politics? She’s hot this year. Have you seen who she’s wearing?”
National Geographic- “Since the only thing ethnic about Romney is his Mormonism, we feel obliged to back President Obama. In our history, if we had only ever done articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen, we would have gone out of print long ago. Their women don’t let us photograph their boobies.”
US Magazine- “We don’t care who wins. We’ll be able to come up with crap about either one of them. I mean, interesting topics about either one of them. That’s what I meant to say.”
Esquire- “Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write about cool people. Do you think Romney would fit that bill?”
Reader’s Digest- “Romney. It would be a lot less work condensing that what he has to say always comes pre-condensed and without any real substance to reduce.”
The New Yorker- “Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the intellectual for us. Obama is our man.”
Ebony- “Now just who do you think? Romney is so white bread and slick he would just slide right off the page if we wrote about him. Besides, you always bet on black.”
Vogue- “Since our magazine is entirely based on looks it is a difficult decision. Both men are good looking and sharp dressers. Obama would be favored on being a cooler dresser, but would lose points because his ears stick out. Bilateral ottoplasty is all the rage.”
Glossy News print edition- “Can we get George W. Bushballs back? With him we always had an endless source of material.”
One more, rfreed on the cover of Glossynews print edition, oh wait, they laid those poor suckers off!