Categorized | Politics

Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me

Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: “enough with politics: I’ll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November.”

This offer is only good for voters in swing states, but if you live in Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, Florida or Colorado, this simple vote could be your easy ticket to the upper-crust.

The move is also seen as an attempt to improve Romney’s standing among women, Latinos and the gay community – as well as African Americans, undecided voters and a core base of liberals.

“The economy of the United States has tanked under this president,” Romney told supporters at a rally in the capital yesterday. “Under my administration, we will reduce unemployment, cut spending and lower taxes.”

“In fact, to Hell with the usual rhetoric; let’s just say I’ll make you a millionaire if you vote for me.”

“I’m not, as the kids say, ‘shitting you’, America. Three hundred thousand bucks each. Who’s game?”

Meanwhile, the Obama administration has accused Romney of attempting to “pander to the electorate,” insisting that the former Massachusetts Governor will “probably want the people to pay back every penny once he is in power.”

With the massive fundraising efforts of the RNC and Romney campaign, in addition to the unfathomable treasure in the coffers of pro-Romney SuperPACs, this promise may not be impossible to keep.

“If Romney’s economics come into reality,” said Dave Thomas, adviser to the Tax Policy Institute, “inflation is going to be Zimbabwe-style, and we’ll all have to be billionaires just to buy a loaf of bread.”

What is certain, however, is that if you have a net worth in excess of $5 million dollars, you will definitely see at least $300,000 in tax breaks over the four-year period of a Romney administration. Many pundits have already pointed out that this is what he meant, as he doesn’t actually address Americans with a net worth of less than $5 million.

This article had a very heavy-handed edit by Brian K. White.


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Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.


2 Responses to “Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me”

  1. Sheogorath says:

    Hey, sure, Romney, I’ll vote for you! *receives $3,000,000 boost to bank account* Thanks, but I don’t think I’m eligible to vote in the U.S., being a UK citizen, unfortunately.

  2. Barb Weir says:

    I’m sorry, but there’s not a grain of truth to this. No self-respecting Republican would deliberately enrich the people who cast the votes that get them into office.

    When we speak of “buying votes” these days, it’s about spending the money on experts in training people to vote against their own interests. Where’s the fun in just paying for the vote?


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