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History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

Aden- The largest manhunt in the war on terror finally comes to a close. Waldo, a.k.a. Wally, Veli, or Al’ Shabaz Mussa Shadif was an American citizen who notably sympathized with Al Quaeda insurgency groups and became an intellectual leader in the movement.

The manhunt started after the U.S. withdrew support of the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, a “slight to the struggle of the Islamic people” by the “imperialists of Washington,” quoted from videos recorded by Waldo while in hiding.

Waldo then took a leadership role in the anti-American activities conducted in the region. Intelligence reports state that Waldo would “hide random objects in various public spaces, most often found by children.” While agencies “would have to redirect focus to find all of these hidden objects before attention could be given on Waldo himself.” These reports also explain how Waldo would taunt law enforcement by “listing how many of these varied objects were hidden in a particular location.”

Although no evidence could be connected with Waldo and specific acts of terrorism, “we know he had a certain level of involvement and an administrative role,” says Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff U.S Army General Martin E. Dempsey.

The search ended when notable Special Forces group, Navy Seal Team 6, carried out a daring night time raid and assassinated the terrorist. Also killed in the raid were Waldo’s wife Wenda, second in command Odlaw, and loyal companion Woof. This raid was conducted soon after the use of predator drones to bomb and kill Wizard Whitebeard at a remote training facility in Pakistan.

According to unnamed sources, the ability to ascertain Waldo’s precise whereabouts were coordinated with Facebook. Facebook was able to help the Central Intelligence Agency with their facial recognition technology, a crucial element to find the seemingly ordinary looking terrorist.

Director of the CIA David Patreas stated that “Wizard Whitebeard was one thing, he fit the profile. Waldo was another case.” He went on to say “Let’s not lose sight of the real victory here, we are keeping Americans safe. The collaborative work of the CIA, Military, and private industry should be applauded.”

The orders to follow through with the assassination came from the president’s office. Barack Obama consented to the infiltration once intelligence reports came back from the precise whereabouts of the known terrorist.

Obama announced that, “justice has finally been served. No longer will American children have to sleep at night wondering where this mad man is. No longer will they have to question if the government can keep them safe from these hidden menaces. We can reassure them that even if a terrorist is hiding on a movie set, a crowded beach, a coven of vampires, or even in what would seem like and endless sea of Waldos, we will find them and kill them.”

A recent member of Seal Team 6, whose identity must be kept a secret, has received much scrutiny for lambasting remarks against President Obama.

He said in an interview, “Obama didn’t kill Waldo, we did. He’s taking credit for the hard work conducted by our servicemen. Our ability to discern whether the target was in fact Waldo or a strategically placed barber’s pole was on our backs.”

Although this would seem like a major victory in the War on Terror, Whitehouse, Pentagon, and CIA officials argue that there are still threats to freedom that still exist in the world. With the death of Waldo and his compatriots, the highest priority to international security agencies is Carmen SanDiego. With her whereabouts still unknown, her ability to elude law enforcement is unprecedented.

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This post was written by

- who has written 44 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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2 Responses to “History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead”

  1. rfreed says:

    He always did seem to be too good to be true.

  2. jessica says:

    isn’t waldo too thin to be American ?

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