GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews The GOPTea has sent out an amazing alternate proposal to the 50 states, territories and District of Columbia to replace the various GOPTea presidential caucuses and primaries in 2012 with a complicated Rock/Paper/Scissors Contest, or GOPTea–RPS. And it’s winner take all.

Reince Priebus, the national master of ‘I before E’ logic and current RNC chairman, has proposed in his letter that the GOPTea forego the traditional money-wasting individual state primary and caucus voting and delegate choosing matches. And instead stage the new GOPTea–RPS Presidential Throw-Down Contest.

Priebus’ letter notes the contest will be held regionally, vís a vís baseball and football league playoffs, to allow more people to attend and participate, not only as candidates, but as spectators as well. This would add to the GOPTea coffers not only entry fees for contestants–$1m each per region + $1m for the finals, but spectator fees as well–$1500 each, projected at upwards of $2 billion, more than enough to retire that pesky 2008-09 McCain/Palin election debt as well as pay forward on the 2012 election losses anticipated. This means that each contestant could cap their payout at no more than $5m each. That’s much less than they would have paid out to be in all the states’ primaries and caucuses. Not counting the advertising.

The letter, continued, “We at the RNC are very aware of the political climate in our great country and want to bring our voting into the 21st century with this idea. We also need a bonafide way to raise some needed cash to pay our debts.” Mr. Priebus continued, “Our instincts indicate that the country might be trending younger and younger in average voter age and we want to welcome aboard younger folk into our political life.”

Further down, in the logistics part of the letter, Mr. Priebus wrote: “Each GOPTea–R/P/S regional Contest will take the results of their combined states’ total straw poll votes and assign them to the entered candidates, providing a seeding chart for the entrants, much like March Maddness, and this will take place the week preceding the GOPTea National Convention, which will be held the week of August 27th 2012 in Tampa, Florida. Please do not refer to this as August, or any other kind of, Madness at any time.

“The Midwest will not, for this contest only, be recognized as a region.” He explained, “Rather it will be divided among the other four regions. We are using the Mississippi River as the natural East/West divide here, so Iowa is now definitely NW, but Minnesota will be the only state divided partly NE and partly NW, as the river flows through it at somewhat of an angle NNW from Minneapolis/St. Paul.”

The North/South divide is split by border below OR, ID, WY, NE, IA IL IN, OH, PA NJ with Hawaii and other island territories joining the SW region and Puerto Rico coming into the SE.

The NW Throw-Down will be Aug. 18 in Salt Lake City; The SW Throw-Down will be held Aug. 20 in Phoenix; The NE Throw-Down will be Aug. 22 in Greenwich, CT; the SE Throw-Down will be Aug. 24 in Tampa. The final Throw-Down, pitting the 4 regional winners, will be on Aug.28, the second day of the Convention in Tampa. In the rare case that one person sweeps all the regional contests, there will not be a Tampa Final match, the winner having already won.

The five rules are, with no variations:
1) Rock breaks scissors
2) Paper covers rock
3) Scissors cuts paper
4) Contestants must count out loud in unison “One, Two, Three” and throw their sign on “Three”.
5) Must win by 2 victories (i.e. 2 out of 3, etc.)

Guinness World Records is sponsoring the regional finals and the finals Throw-Down in Tampa. This last match will be called the Guinness Final Throw-Down RPS Presidential Match, per their contract. Also FOX NEWS is exclusive live broadcaster for the Final Tampa Throw-Down, and Mike Huckabee will be commentating on-air for the match.

May the best candidate win!