The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:
MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.
Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. The writers of this manifesto would like to make clear to all concerned that the Upper Peninsula was seized from the territory of Wisconsin in 1837 as compensation for the stealing by the state of Ohio of a southern strip of Michigonian land known as the ‘Toledo Strip’.
The flagrant theft of what was once a significant piece of land of our beloved state has been duly noted by the residents of the honorable state of Wisconsin and is the cause of much discontent amongst our people. The very thought that a valuable part of our homeland has been so callously hacked off and given over to a foreign entity is intolerable and has inspired great feelings of vengeance and retort. This would be much the same as a young man having his arm hacked off by his father and given over to his brother for possession. This grievous offense has given rise of late to a desire within the hearts of many Wisconsiners that wronged matters be righted so that the UP can be returned to the bosom of her true Mother–the great and illustrious state of Wisconsin.
It is already apparent that this change in the geography of the Midwest will not come about without bloodshed. Michigan will hardly let go of a vital part of it’s land without a fight. For that we have prepared ourselves. We have already raised and trained a militia well versed in Midwestern means of warfare. We have armored our snow plows and tractors and built up a sizable armada along the borders of the UP. Vigilant Badger State citizens await, perched upon ever-reliant ATVs and snowmobiles for the bugle call to action. Hay bale fortifications have been erected and deer blinds converted for paramilitary usage. Well-trained deer hunters are being called from their warm beds for early morning drills. Fishing boats have been well improvised with night scopes and silenced motors for penetrating deep into the waters of the UP.
Let it be clear that we have no desire for the spilling of any blood from our UP brothers. We only wish to free you from Lansing’s tyranny, much the same way that the Minute Men freed the colonies from George the III’s British rule, the way that deGaulle freed France from Nazi rule, and the way that caller ID freed us from telemarketers.
The Treaty Of Toledo that ceded one of the richest parts of Michigan to the Ohioans was an abomination, one only matched by the treachery that took the Upper Peninsula away from her sovereign owner, Wisconsin. This is likened to the taking of a cherished daughter away to marry an old, decrepit man, an unweaned foal from her comforting mother, Charlie Sheen from his show ‘Two And A Half Men.’
We will be gentle with you, our brothers of the Northlands, if you will just let us free you from the Saddam Husseins to the south who wish to exploit you and your rich woodlands. Join with us and help to make Wisconsin the great land it once was and will be again. In return, we will share with you the many wonders of the Badger state–our beer, our corn, our wondrous shorelines, our beer, our milk, our vast fields, our really cool Capital, our beer, our Oktoberfests, our lutefisk, our Lutheran churches, our beer, our leftse. BUT DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH OUR WOMEN!!!!! We are prepared to be only so friendly.
Come over to the light side of the force, brethren! Together we can rule the upper Midwest with a strong, steady, but fair hand and win over those forces to the south that would enslave you. The auto industry is tanking, Detroit is a vast slum headed for oblivion, and the Tigers couldn’t win a series if they were playing a team from Mongolia. You are being forced to play with a losing team. Dare to break away and be rejoined with your true family like the prodigal son in the Bible, only hopefully with a little more money than he had.
Come with us brethren and together we will rule the cornfields and woodlands.
We expect an answer in 3 days.
Head W.U.S.S.I.E.S. Lieutenant Commandant RFreed