Grand Rapids, MI native Hillary Pierce was shocked this week to learn CNN thinks her senior class presidency bid is doomed. According to lunch room witnesses, seventeen-year old Hillary was inconsolable and left early, missing her AP Chemistry class.
At issue is recent CNN reportage, echoed by Washington Post editorials that divulge how Gerald R. Ford High School has finally wised up. Hillary Pierce isn’t class president material.
Experts agree the pretty brunette has lately displayed an inability to properly manage vicious slanders. Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist Gloria Borger said, “She’s just been all over the place; it’s pathetic.” Of particular significance in Borger’s analysis was Hillary’s clumsy handling of accusations following Tommy Scott’s Halloween TP’ing vice Principal Palmeri’s house.
“Yeah, some freshman girls put it on Facebook that since Hillary works part time at the Target store, obviously she inspired Tommy to target Mr. Palmeri. Everybody knew it was a lie, but see? Mean-spirited irresponsibility in trying to spread a demonstrably false rumor, that’s not the story. The story is a potential candidate took offense to the bullying. Her reaction just wasn’t presidential.”
All totally objective journalists agree with Borger that Hillary’s fumbling the TP vicious rumor reaction is sufficient evidence of her unfitness for the presidency. Yet, other totally objective journalists pointed to her amateurish reaction to recent girl’s room writings as the death knell for this ‘too much too soon’ candidacy.
Already dubbed ‘Graffiti-gate’ by insiders, the latest scandal is said to highlight Hillary’s insensitivity and lack of poise.
Someone, presumably female and possibly a freshman wrote on a restroom stall that Hillary very much enjoys heterosexual relations. Someone else wrote on a restroom stall (handwriting analysis is inconclusive at this time, but it appears to have been a different totally objective journalist due to ‘I’ letters being dotted with smiley faces) that Hillary is an active lesbian with a ‘stinky cooch.’
Ms. Pierce’s vehement protestations are widely regarded as insulting to lesbians, sluts, and the important swing vote ‘stinky cooch’ constituency.
While all agree Graffiti-gate is yet another tissue of lies fabricated by blindly hateful people that should never have been reported, the implication appears undeniable. Everybody at Gerald R. Ford High School hates Hillary Pierce, and wishes she would die a lingering, painful death, except real soon.