Categorized | War Zone

Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.”

The tall, slightly built superstar who bears a resemblance to the young Ringo Starr struggled for words in describing Guantanamo Bay.

While the stigma of never having been chosen for intensive interrogation still stings, he said the homesickness was hardest to endure. “Yeah, letters from Jordan always broke my heart. Like my sister was dating a Shiite boy, right? Missing those important family milestones was what hurt most. The frustration of being in prison when I could’ve been home killing my sister.”

Despite lingering sadness about detention, Faisal X credits Gitmo as a pivotal influence in his meteoric rise to fame. “Yeah, for punishment they’d blast American music all night long, nose bleed volume levels. Before that I never really listened to music. I liked it! Especially the infidel Ozzy Osbourne! That’s when things started coming together for me. Truest path to destroy you is contribute to your filthy decadence. That was the day Youssef died and Faisal X was born.”

The interview was briefly interrupted by a phone call. “Sorry, I have to take this. For some reason, my camel brained agent thinks the first day of Bonnaroo is a power slot.”

After several minutes, a visibly weary superstar reflected on the darker aspects of success. “Like the Prophet, peace be upon him once said? As many roads lead to Mecca, so are there many paths to martyrdom. I’d like to lay aside this crazy life and get those 72 virgins.

“Ever done a seventeen city stadium tour? Well you won’t meet any virgins, I’ll tell you that. But to destroy America from within requires patient sacrifice. Hey, I got to cut this short? I apologize, but I’m late for a taping. We’re on Conan tonight.”

Share

This post was written by

- who has written 149 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

.

4 Responses to “Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism”

  1. rfreed says:

    Hey!
    You stole my picture!

  2. P. Beckert says:

    Brian is saving the world by recycling photos. I hear he keeps them right next to the heap of aluminum beer cans.

  3. I dunno, looks like a Kamikaze raccoon to me…

  4. rfreed says:

    Kamikaze raccoon!
    My good man, I’ll have you know that is a Ninja kamikaze jihadist squirrel!
    And I thought you were an educated man!
    Egad, Sir!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks


Leave a Reply


We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Fake Commercials!


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

16 posts
11 posts
10 posts
5 posts
2 posts
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial