Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.”

The tall, slightly built superstar who bears a resemblance to the young Ringo Starr struggled for words in describing Guantanamo Bay.

While the stigma of never having been chosen for intensive interrogation still stings, he said the homesickness was hardest to endure. “Yeah, letters from Jordan always broke my heart. Like my sister was dating a Shiite boy, right? Missing those important family milestones was what hurt most. The frustration of being in prison when I could’ve been home killing my sister.”

Despite lingering sadness about detention, Faisal X credits Gitmo as a pivotal influence in his meteoric rise to fame. “Yeah, for punishment they’d blast American music all night long, nose bleed volume levels. Before that I never really listened to music. I liked it! Especially the infidel Ozzy Osbourne! That’s when things started coming together for me. Truest path to destroy you is contribute to your filthy decadence. That was the day Youssef died and Faisal X was born.”

The interview was briefly interrupted by a phone call. “Sorry, I have to take this. For some reason, my camel brained agent thinks the first day of Bonnaroo is a power slot.”

After several minutes, a visibly weary superstar reflected on the darker aspects of success. “Like the Prophet, peace be upon him once said? As many roads lead to Mecca, so are there many paths to martyrdom. I’d like to lay aside this crazy life and get those 72 virgins.

“Ever done a seventeen city stadium tour? Well you won’t meet any virgins, I’ll tell you that. But to destroy America from within requires patient sacrifice. Hey, I got to cut this short? I apologize, but I’m late for a taping. We’re on Conan tonight.”

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4 comments on “Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

  1. Kamikaze raccoon!
    My good man, I’ll have you know that is a Ninja kamikaze jihadist squirrel!
    And I thought you were an educated man!
    Egad, Sir!

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