Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen

Haley Barbour this week catapulted past other GOP Presidential hopefuls, a feat considered all the more amazing by leading physicists since Barbour weighs about 350 pounds.

As battle lines form for the 2012 nominating process, consensus among political veterans is that Barbour is demonstrating a shrewdness his rivals will be hard pressed to match. He now appears unstoppable.

Grudging admiration for the Mississippi Governor extends into stalwart Democratic territory. Former Clinton adviser James Carville said, “He could sell turds to an outhouse. That old boy makes the rest of ‘em look like frog gigging with a coat hanger.”

In an attempt to better understand the sudden ascendancy of Haley Barbour, Glossy News sought other insiders familiar with the rough & tumble of electoral politics, and who don’t talk like Billy Bob Thornton on an acid trip.

Famed Reagan speech writer Peggy Nooner was glowing in her assessment of the GOP juggernaut. “First he came out saying in his Mississippi youth, turmoil attending the Civil Rights struggle didn’t seem like a big deal. That resonates for red state voters who wonder why Liberals dwell on bad things from the past. He let it lay a few days; the usual suspects expressed outrage. Then he pounced, just like a gator on a colorblind possum. Sorry, I had lunch with Carville last week.”

“What Barbour did next, simply amazing. He used the outrage to underline his base message about Liberal obsession with ‘bad America’ while simultaneously exploiting it to call segregation wrong, and that’s outreach to moderates. Real genius at work there; doesn’t come along very often.”

The Barbour ascendency is undisputed fact. How it will impact the 2012 race is difficult to ascertain. Conservative pundit Carl Tuckerson thinks rival candidates should be executed immediately, while other observers sounded a more ambiguous tone.

It’s believed Palin and Huckabee will opt to ‘spend more time with the family’ in early February.

Sources close to Mitt Romney predict he’ll stay in the race, relying on his immense personal fortune, Presidential looks, and solid ‘not a Muslim’ credentials.

At this writing, Gingrich remains the wild card. Also a Southerner of ample circumference, Newt appears perfectly positioned for a slug fest with Barbour. Experts say his messy personal life will likely be offset by Florida retirees who’ll think they’re voting for that cute talking lizard on TV.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

1 thought on “Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen

  1. Yeah, I’ll go for that Halle Berry chick any day!
    She is one hot number.
    I’d even give up my membership in the KKK for a chance at her.
    She got my vote already, even if she is a big wig in the GOP.
    As long as it is that white wig she wore in The X-Men. And that fine, form fitting black costume she had.

    Wait…. did you say Haley BARBOUR? Oh, yich! Forget it!


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