Honored writer, and now United States presidential candidate for the upcoming 2012 elections, Bargis Tryhol finally revealed his own Economic Stimulus plan to a throng of reporters outside his Gainesville mobile home.
Bargis Tryhol, the endearing and witty writer turned political activist, and now a leading Presidential Candidate, issued his own home -grown style stimulus plan that he claims will end the economic turn down currently spreading throughout the US.
At the prodding of supporters, Tryhol took to the public airwaves in order to get his message out to the millions of suffering Americans who are disgusted at career politicians who spend most of their time preparing to get themselves re-elected instead of taking care of the People’s business in Washington.
“It’s simple really, just a tweak here and there and it will abruptly end! None of this goofy Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi political stupidity.”
Tryhol’s hands grasped the lecturn in determination as he began his long awaited economic speech….
“My fellow Americans…First, there are over 40 million workers who are over 50 years of age. With my plan the government will pay each of them $1 million dollars to retire! That allows 40 million new job openings! See? Unemployment crisis over!”
“Second, as a condition of receiving that $1 million retirement buyout, each new retiree must purchase a new, US made car or truck, or maybe a motor home within 30 days or forfeit all monies. The auto industry will certainly rebound with sales of 40 million new autos! See? Manufacturing crisis over!”
“Third, as a further condition, each new millionaire retiree must purchase a new or existing home. With 40 million pieces of real estate changing hands, it will pull us out of the recession quick. See? Housing and real estate crisis over!
Fourth, and as in a predetermined plan along with other oil consuming nations with vast agricultural assets like ourselves, we will work together to raise the price on a bushel of wheat to $100.00. That special ‘tax’ will only pertain to all food exports to OPEC members. Oil prices should tumble in a matter of weeks once their pita bread runs out!”
Fifth, as part of a stimulous for technological advancement in science and manufacturing, with-in 24 hours of taking office I will notify the Russinas that the Cold War is back on! I don’t think they’ll dally away the hours selling any more nuclear reactors and armaments to our enemies.
Thank you and God Bless the United States!”
As a further incentive to maintain good future busines ethics, Tryhol proposed that banking fraud, stock and commodities manipulation, and corruption crimes by any politician in office be classified as ‘Capital Crimes’ in which the perpetrator, upon trial and conviction, will be shot or hanged by a group of their peers within 24 hours.
What my esteemed colleague has described is a wildly exaggerated (yet taken to its logical conclusions) version of the Townsend plan from the Depression.
Townsend plan was nearly as insane as Tryhol plan, and wildly popular. So popular in fact that? Social Security was an FDR ‘me too, but not THAT wacked’ version. All hail future President Tryhol! Freedonia is saved!!!
Brian,
A “ferner” is exactly that; a person from another country.
For example, Meskins are ferners.
Increasing the amount of money in circulation from $8.3 trillion to $48.3 trillion overnight would cause Zimbabwe-style inflation, which would certainly make for exciting, unforgetable times. With almost 600% instant inflation, a gallon of gas would go from $2.80/gallon up to $16.29/gallon. Instead of dinner for two costing $45, it would cost $261.
So I don’t really see a downside, except maybe that only persons over 50 will have the money, and everyone else will be dead broke. Savings will be wiped out (if you have a hundred grand in the bank, it’s only really worth about $17,000) and all the banks would be screwed too, since they loaned out the money when it was worth something, and got it back when it was worthless.
But that’s just where inflation starts. Since you’ve still only got x-number of cars on the lot and flatscreens at the store, and tens of millions have more money than they’ve ever seen in their lives, people are going to start bidding-up for goods. Sure that new Cadillac is priced at $300,000, but I’ll pay $450,000 to get mine, or risk losing the money. There ain’t 40-million cars just sitting around.
What will count as an American car? Do you mean like the Buick Regal made in Germany or the Mercedes Benz M-Class made in Alabama? Either way, we don’t want too much of our precious toilet paper (that’s probably what we’ll have to start calling printed money) to them “ferners”*.
What if you’re over 50 and you just retired yesterday, you don’t still get the million, right? I mean, you have to actually give up a job for a younger person to take, right? What if you’re over 50 and unemployed, surely they don’t get the million for the same reason. What if you’re over 50 and own a business, they have to keep working otherwise the company won’t exist to give jobs in the first place, right?
As for fraud being a capital crime, you’re forgeting how much it costs to put down a felon. If we’re being frugal, we need to do away with death row for these robber barons and replace it with something more practical. I suggest death room. Each week reduce the food supply slightly. Like the market, I’m sure the room will find a way to self-correct. It’s kind of the invisible hand of the executioner.
The wheat thing wouldn’t work. OPEC has much more ability to inflict pain than we do. We can’t run our cars on wheat. They, however, will just go back to eating sand. If you’ve never had a sand pita, you wouldn’t understand. It’s a lot like clam chowder but without the clam or the chowder.
* I don’t know what a “ferner” is, but I’ve heard Texans say it. I think it means somebody from or in another country.
I’m all for jobs creation. I agree it is imperative for boosting individual self-esteem and worth, and this country, as a whole, would be far better off. and Yes, rfreed does appear to have it in for Joisey.
Hey, I’m ready to try anything to get people back to work. Nothing tears a person or family apart like longterm unemployment. The damage it does to a person’s feelings of self worth are horrible. Without editorializing and pizzing Brian off any further, I’ll just say this…Let’s get people back to having meaningful, decent jobs and most others ills in this country will be taken care of all by itself without douchebag politicians.
Geez! rfreed must hate New Jersey!
That does it!
With regards to Tryhol I have an already pock-marked wall, a blindfold and a last cigarette. If I could get volunteers with guns and a pair of handcuffs we’ll put a stop to him before he gets any further!
______
Actually, in a weird and bizarre way, this sounds like it would work.
Can we try it out on some other country first just for a trial run?
Or maybe just on New Jersey- God knows they need it.
But we’ll keep the wall and the guns ready- just in case.
THIS FORUM COMMENT APPROVED AND SANCTIONED BY THE NRA.
Copyright NRA USA 2010
Since I’m over 50, I love the getting a million dollars part. But I did a little calculating and if I am correct, that means the US taxpayers would have to shoulder the burden of an additional $40 Trillion dollars–I think that’s 13 zeroes–to finance this plan. If you are already against all the spending going on, wouldn’t that just cancel out your arguments up to this point? Just askin’. But again, yeah, if you’re giving out $1M, I’m taking.