Iran Declares Victory in “Art Student’s Yacht-gate”

The UK Foreign Office has now switched its typical slack-arsed press release from ‘actively investigating’ reports that five British yachtsmen – including their yacht – have been arrested by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard to ‘actively investigating’ reports that the five have been released.

One FO insider advised the tabloid gutter press that ‘actively investigating’ equated to listening to boring BBC news reports once the Wimbledon tennis and cricket seasons were over – with the occasional diplomatic phone call thrown in for good measure.

The yacht crew of five, all travelling on British passports and stating they were art students studying in Bahrain – with a penchant for ‘messing around in boats’ – claim to have drifted into Iranian waters mistakenly while ‘sailing’ from Bahrain to Dubai for a boat race when they experienced ‘propeller problems’.

A press release issued by Revolutionary Guard spokesman Colonel Mustafa Jaffacake, in a diplomatic attempt to play down the gravity of the incident, stated interrogations revealed their “illegal entry” had been “a mistake that bordered on a total clusterphuck” as none of the five bungling clots had a clue about marine navigation – nor how to sail a yacht.

Tehran’s official Mad Mullah radio station declared the five-man crew were apprehended while sneaking ashore on Siri Island – (an off-limits military base housing a Revolutionary Guard early warning radar station and Sunburst missile batteries) – and taking what they claimed to be were ‘tourist photos’.

Hymie Weaselberg, 21, from Weston-super-Mare; Moses Slimestein, 31, from Southampton; Ja’ackoff Rothshite, 21, from Cornwall; Ziggy Rosenbaum, 26, from Scarborough, North Yorkshire; and Bahrain-based Shylock Scumberger, 94, were arrested on 25 November after coming ashore in a remote cove after dark on the southern side of Siri Island, leaving their yacht, the ‘False Flag Interloper’, at anchor.

Back-door information leaked to the Al Jazeera news agency claims that Shylock Scumberger, the crew’s captain admitted, after enjoying a couple of rounds of the ever-popular interrogation game – ‘Guantanamo Bay Manicure’ – that he was only a part-time ‘mature’ art student and worked for the Bahrain-based Urban Moving Systems as a piano-lugger’s mate.

Al Jezeera further revealed the five had been freed after an interrogation by authorities established that their yacht had illegally entered Iranian waters ‘by mistake’.

However, after obtaining necessary guarantees and signed confessions that they worked for Mossad, it was decided to release them in a benign display of Islamic one-upmanship – giving Tel Aviv the big finger.

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