Congress Recognizes Its Own Bipartisan Sexuality (Bisexuality?)

Washington DC – The studies have been released and the news sure isn’t pretty. Both houses of Congress – the Senate and the Representatives– have been shown to come up short dealing with their own bisexuality.

Senator Harry Reid introduced the anonymous spokesperson (AR) of Outbound Psychological Team — OPT, who immediately began by saying, “Going online broke Congressional isolation, long a hallmark of being both gay and a top-ranking government service person. It has allowed gay Congressmen to look up information to refute what families and their churches had told them for a lifetime — that bisexuals and gays will never find happiness and love.”

“We at OPT found,” said (AR), “Congressional veterans –25 years and more– who are afraid to address the issue of their bisexuality because they feel it would mean talking about sexuality. This is not a comfortable subject to approach in the Congressional setting.”

A number of press pool hands waved for recognition. Before questions could be asked, but (AR) barreled to the end of his speech, “One member of 10 years told OPT ‘It was most of my first term in office before I realized I was interested in both sexes. It was confusing for a while for me.’ ”

Sam Donaldson of ABC-TV broke through with some authority, “You mean that we’ve had a whole Congress sitting here in Washington voting up and down on these national gay and lesbian issues while they are gay themselves? Isn’t that fox and henhouse thinking?”

“Not exactly Mr. Donaldson.” returned (AR). “What this one person said was, ‘Myself, I always thought that you had to be either straight or gay – that you couldn’t be both.’ I know this man thought about it a lot. He thinks about everything a lot.’ He continued saying ‘I went online and looked up bisexual, and after thinking about it, I realized that was me –both. Of course, until now, you just couldn’t say anything about it to anyone.’ ”

Mr. Donaldson said “You’re not talking about you now, are you?”

“No sir,” said (AR). “Absolutely, I am not. Another question here?”

“Yes, over here. Helen Thomas, Hearst. I understand that not all Congressmen with same-sex attractions use the phrase ‘that’s so gay’. Can you comment?”

“The phrase ‘that’s so gay’ has become a popular Congressional phrase in the past few months. Just as popular as ‘You Lie,’ ” said (AR). “As news of the outcome of our survey was leaked, everyone started to say it only means that something or someone is dumb or lame. No one was going to be quoted as talking about what it really meant. They were happy to go with dumb or lame.”

“Follow up then here. Weren’t the leaders of the Houses of Congress supposed to handle this kind of irresponsible behavior?”

“Well yes,” began (AR), “that’s the way it is supposed to be. But most of the leadership seem to thinks it’s crazy that they should say something about this. They say ‘If I have to stop my work with every ‘that’s so gay’ outburst, I won’t have any time left over to legislate our pork.’ ”

At this, Majority leader of the Senate, Harry Reid stepped forward and said “I was forced to address this issue once. I remember our now-departed Mr. Craig as a first term Senator. He was so unsure and just incredibly worried about being perceived as being gay, once he held up a pink golf shoe and said he wouldn’t touch it because it looks gay.”

Sen. Reid smiled and said, “Well, I took him into the cloakroom and gave him a straight talking to. He never again brought up shoes in the hallowed Senate chamber.’ ”

“What did you say Senator, if we can know?” asked Ms. Thomas.

“I said,” speaking with a reverent hush, “Larry, you would never say ‘that’s so black’ with a pair of white bucks in the room would you? And he shook his head that he wouldn’t.”

“Even though this is a somewhat liberal Congress,” Sen. Reid started to explain, “it’s verging on almost possible to be gay in Congress. Still, most members wouldn’t dream of attending our GCAM –the Gay Congressional Alliance Meetings. No one wants anyone to know they might be gay or lesbian. Even though lots of straight people also come to meetings, most come to see who might seriously show up so they can bully them later. I have to attend all the meetings, so I get called a lesbian all the time even though you can see that I’m not.”

He finished, “People are so totally paranoid.”

(AR) then continued with his presentation. “OPT has some of the comments of Congressional staffers when anonymously asked about their Congress members who have attended GCAM:”

* “Yeah, he’ll make out with anyone.”
* “Totally bisexual.”
* “Everyone knows he’s gay.”
* “Definitely dyke.”
* “I think he’s straight but just confused.”

And these are a couple of comments that we were not expecting to get from the staff.

* “I totally had the hots for this Representative.
* “I was, like, ‘Whoa, I’m down with your wing tips right now!’ ”
* “Jesus was hot, too,” —offered by a quasi-religious Senator who is having legal problems.
* “No, he’s not!” A retort by a reformed evangelical.

At the end of the OPT presentation we were joined by Rep. Barney Frank, sometimes soft-spoken and one of the few members who is out to everyone. Some say this has earned him the respect of GCAM members. “I really don’t care WTF people think.” said Mr. Frank.

Cokie Roberts asked Rep. Frank if he was interested in any particular members. “I like this one guy over there, but he’s straight, so that’s never going to happen. Lucky for me, I am married. It’s not like I have a lot of options anyway.” He added, echoing what would be said by many other members who weren’t out, “I like guys who aren’t jerks to everyone. Most Republicans think it’s funny to bully guys, slap ass in the cloakroom and fart really loud and laugh.”

Rep. Frank kept talking, “While a number of our good members haven’t had bisexual sex yet, those who have been sexual in some form have lied that it was heterosexual with a wife. Others said they were just experimenting. Most everyone said ‘you lie’ to those. It’s really pretty unusual what’s been going on here lately,” he said. “It definitely wasn’t always this way.”

“The first thing one of my relatives did when I told them I was bisexual was hit me on the head with a Bible,” blurted out the spokesperson (AR).

Author: BobZaguy

Gender: Male Astrological Sign: Scorpio Zodiac Year: Horse Occupation: Graphic Design Location: Chicago : IL : United States Wine and graphic design… inseparable. Interests Barflies & Lemonade Favorite Movies Anything with Paul Newman; sauce, lemonade, sex; not in that order. Favorite Music Classical Second Favorite Jazz Favorite Books Underworld–Don DeLillo Favorite Movies "I ain't got no favorite movies, well maybe just that Bambi"