Unlike on Wall Street, gross incompetence has resulted in heads actually rolling at the IRS. It’s not that they’re bad people, even though obviously they are, but that they got caught in a scandal even they don’t know how to diffuse.
“Dude, I’m just a file clerk,” said man name-unknown, who we accosted outside the building during the lunch hour. Clearly he knew something, but he wasn’t willing to talk.
Jakob Marjary, a senior auditor who requested we keep his name anonymous, but whose request was denied, explained from the lavish $55 million dollar retreat in Fiji that “basically, all these jackasses who were trying to not pay taxes in the name of not paying taxes? Yeah, we targeted them. I mean, get real, they’re anti-tax people and we’re literally the tax people.”
Madeline Yates, a suspiciously young woman who was star-struck by our cameras and turned out to be an intern, said that, “Patriot or rebel, if you [don’t want to] pay taxes, you’re going to get targeted.” This portion of the conference was held in the State of Mississippi, where the age of consent is 14, so what next transpired between our microphone guy Rob and her was consensual. Nothing illegal happened after this.
“It’s crazy,” said a man wearing a full seal-skin suit with a stove pipe hat. “It’s as if people with earning income on a w-2 form don’t know how to take proper deductions.” Adding, “Mua – ha -ha!” while twirling his mustache.
This alludes to the myriad tax deductions available to the business and landed classes, but luckily for them, we have no budget to research or explain them, even though that would be infinitely more useful than the article we actually produced.
One thing is certain, this tax scandal is not going to quiet down… and if it does, I’m not sure what we’ll report on for the rest of the year. Budget issues. I’m sure you can understand. It’s not you, it’s us.