RANSON – An angry, cornfed beefcake has announced his intention to quit the family farm and apply for a full professorship at Harvard University.
Josiah Wilkins, who has only completed a GED and 10 college credits, made his plans clear in an interview with the local newspaper.
“My desire is to join the world of big learning and spread my wings rounds about my teaching of advanced graduate and mini graduate courses,” he said.
In response to questions about his qualifications, Wilkins was adamant.
“I don’t need education to educate others. I’ve steered cattle, raised corn, and eaten plenty. That’s about all Harvard needs: a cornfed beefcake.”
Asked about Wilkins’ readiness for a full professorship, Harvard Supreme Leader Clarence Bummers was evasive. “There are applicants who may be considered with similar qualifications. Our only hope is to strut the differences of sexes by incorporating more cornfed beefcakes of all varieties into our great commune of higher education.”
Sources from the White House say President Obama is “fully behind” Wilkins in his quest to become a professor. In a private conversation the president is purported to have said:
“I think it’s about time we have equality extended to cornfed beefcakes and their unique subculture. This is America. We do not discriminate based on race, creed, or propensity to devour large amounts of corn and corned beef.”
Though details are still emerging, it appears Wilkins’ primary competition for the job will be a chickenstuffed eggtart and an onioneating turnipmuffin.