Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media.

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. But, no sooner had the controversy died down over that news when a member of the Chinese gymnastics team—whose cousin actually works for one of the Chinese sweat factories where the Lauren line is manufactured and makes less than $1 a day in wages—made the claim about Team Romney’s yarmulkes.

The claims have yet to be substantiated due to the fact that the Chinese government has removed the gymnast from the competition in order to keep the matter from becoming yet another embarrassment for remaining American businessmen who also have their products made at that sweat textile factory.

Meanwhile, Sylvia Goldschmidtenburgstein from Brooklyn, New York, was flabbergasted when she heard the news. “Ralphie Lipschitz was raised a nice Jewish boy and he knows the meaning of kosher,” she said. “But when he changed his name to Ralph Lauren, oy vey, now he thinks he’s some kinda hot. Now he makes his money dishonestly with the schlock he does pedal to these Americans,” she said, adding, “oy me deschmear!”

When reached for comment, Romney accepted Lauren’s apology and went straight to blaming the leak on the Obama campaign.

“This is exactly what I’ve been talking about,” said Romney as he touched down in Israel for his private meeting with Jewish financial leaders, now that foreign campaign contributions are technically legal.

“My good friend, Mr. Lauren has found a way to increase his margin of profit by shipping jobs overseas and everyone seems to think it is a bad thing. Meanwhile, I’m kind of regretting the fact that I didn’t buy Lauren’s stock when my blind-trust broker called me and told me we should.”

“I mean, anyone who can make yarmulkes for $3 bucks apiece and sell them to us for $60 each has cornered the market on schmaltz,” said Romney, abusing the opportunity to massacre Yiddish slang pronunciation before meeting the real deal.

Romney said he is happy for this opportunity to finally drive his point home about capitalism and the importance of shipping jobs overseas, for job creators.

“Yeah, my yarmulke is made in China. But guess what? My suit was made in Indonesia and my regular undershorts were made in Mexico. Now can we talk about my foreign relations expertise?”

A Romney campaign staffer also asked if it was possible that we spell “Obama” with a capital zero.

NOTE: Another team effort by P. Beckert and B. White