HOBOKEN, New Jersey (GlossyNews) — The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out.
The first purchase under this new edict was J.D. Salinger’s toilet for the bargain-basement price of $1 Million dollars. Pentagon requisition chief, Hoobie Cheeper said today that their bid beat out many others and everyone at the Pentagon were celebrating the purchase. “Do you know what toilets cost from Xe, the company formerly known as Blackwater? Upwards of two mil each,” said Cheeper, and that’s without the seat. The seat usually costs another $200,000. It got to the point where were having to install toilets in all the latrines without seats.
In the same block of auctions, the Pentagon also picked up a dozen used Bic pens from the Salinger collection for $50,000 for the lot, and several steno pads at $25 apiece. Although the steno pads had writing on them, the government just couldn’t pass up the bargain and said they could use the other sides of the paper for important message writing and appropriations budget memos.
Army Sergeant 1st Class Hugh Binhad has been assigned to special eBay duty to scout the boards daily for bargains like that of the Salinger toilet. “With a budget of a gob of money,” says Binhad, “I’m sure to be able to outfit the Pentagon with some really neat stuff.”
“Crapper in the Rye” perhaps?