ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.
Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”
Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Said newly hired spokesman Calvin Klavan, “We are so on this one. Heavy drilling mud is being pumped into the Wiki-leaks website right now, and the relief well is ahead of schedule. Also, we have our best engineers watching episodes of that ‘Mythbusters’ show looking for ideas.”
DC insiders were unanimous in praise for the newly robust PR approach. It appears to all that BP has now sorted out the complex labyrinth of successful media spin in the United States. Acknowledge ‘mistakes were made’ and let the news cycle move on. After all, it’s only a matter of time before some Hollywood celebrity does or says something glaringly stupid.
Covert ops experts say this new BP leak may cause the death of some Afghani and Pakistani CIA operatives. Fortunately, all major wildlife advocacy groups agree that no sea turtles will be harmed.
External reactions to the latest BP leak have been equally swift. BP stock closed sharply higher today, and USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack fired singer/songwriter Tracy Chapman.
Ms. Chapman deeply regrets her presence on the Lilith tour will be curtailed. She apologizes to her many fans for any inconvenience.