A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES
Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity.
For the time being, the red, white and blue flag of the former American republic will continue to serve as the standard of the new Corporate entity until such time as a new flag more representative of the entrepreneurial nature of the entity can be found, possibly a flag with a dollar sign and an iron glove clenching it.
National and State borders will remain the same until extensive surveying can be completed to distinguish which properties have the most capital worth and which are to be disposed of. The former concept of so-called “private properties” is hereby abolished. Those challenging the taking of these lands will be subject to immediate extermination or incarceration in the non-usable, worthless lands in the Nevada desert.
All financial matters including that of tax collection will be handled by the Goldman Sachs America-Collection Agency Division. ALL TAXES WILL CONTINUE TO BE COLLECTED AS THEY WERE UNDER STATE AND FEDERAL REGULATIONS! – AND THEN SOME!!! The income tax refund division of the IRS has been eliminated to save on expenditures. Tax refunds owed to individuals will now be considered donations to the formation expenses of the new Corporate nation.
Further notice is hereby given that all loans and subsidies given out to the amalgamated corporations during the financial crisis from 2008 to present will be forgiven and need not be repaid as we would simply be paying ourselves back. Also, all debts to other, non-corporate nations will be considered null and void and all aid programs to such nations will also be discontinued as they are anti-profitmaking and thereby alien to all principles of the capitalistic nature of our new government.
The military, now under the blanket of the Xe (formerly Blackwater) Corporation of North America, will be maintaining order in all cities with a population over 10,000 people. All police units in these areas are now dissolved and must surrender their weaponry. Those refusing to do so will be considered enemies of the New State and hunted down like wild cur.
For the future, the citizens of this new land will be allowed to consume only corporate created foodstuffs. Only McDonalds and Dennys will be recognized as official food distribution outlets. ALL SELF CREATION OF FOOD WHETHER IN THE GROWING OR PREPARATION THEREOF IS FORBIDDEN!!! Anyone found cooking or growing their own food will be banished to the non-utilitarian arid lands of Nevada where they can starve to death while trying to forage for themselves.
The oil well areas of Iraq will form the 51st state of the new corporate nation. They have been consolidated into a new nation christened ‘Revenueland’ by our new corporate leaders. The rest of Iraq will be fenced off and the citizens therein left to kill each other off until the land is empty and can be used for more profitable activities.
Citizens of the U.S. should not be alarmed by the changes in the groundwork of our society. One is expected to show the same patriotic fervor as previously whether on the workroom floor, the office or on the battlefield both present and the future. Of greatest importance is that citizens of the New Corporation of North America should show the same allegiance as before and above all follow all orders and directives of the new government. One of those new orders will be to turn all your daughters of age 18 and above to the use of corporate officials as ‘stress relievers’.
The first order of business will be the invasion and subjugation of Canada as the new regime will be in great need of high skilled and educated slaves to help with the taking over of the rest of the world.
I think it is hilarious and sad when the right calls Obama a socialist or a communist (as if they knew what a socialist was) when he is the Ultra Capitalist, or shall I say UberCapitalist. He has done more to preserve and protect the capitalist than many. I’m sure he feels that is part of the mandate. He is a centrist in the mold of, but much better than, Clinton. I don’t know why the true left ever supported him (except to steer way clear of a Right victory). He hasn’t done much to support the Left’s agenda. But you win in America by being a centrist, not extreme to either side. The majority of Americans are in the center, regardless of claimed party. Party and ideology really only matter to those 15% on each side of the spectrum….
Well, in my opinion, anyway.
Well said Rfreed, BTW.
~Rev Mike
I’m not cynical as I sound; I love our nation too. Goldman Sachs is just as well represented in Obama admin as it was in GW admin.
You go rfreed. Fight the good fight. I know for a fact I could not have said that better myself. Just remember to keep the humor about it all no matter how laughable it gets.
Just for the record, I am not Democrat or Republican.
Years ago I was apolitical. I thought the whole system was just the big guys playing games to keep the power and the money to themselves and kept away from it.
Then Cheney and his toady Bush came along and started subversively running the true freedoms that were held by the normal man into the ground and showing such arrogant disrespect for the laws of other countries and their citizens into the ground that I got politicized.
I think Cheney and his lackey did permanent damage to this land and instilled into the system the groundwork for an eventual fascist state.
Obama is not a perfect man and I do not like all he does but at least he is genuine in his pursuit for a betterment of the country whereas Bush played the up front cover man for the powers in the background that wanted to make sure the largest pieces of the pie always went to them.
I believe in free enterprise. That meaning free for EVERYONE to make a good life for themselves. The present system where the large capitalists control so much and subvert national and international interests and laws to benefit themselves only is the direction that new form of fascism is taking us. Halliburton made millions with their exclusive contract for the war in Iraq, itself started to secure a permanent source of oil for the US (ie. Halliburton charged to US $100 a load to clean the clothes of each soldier). Goldman Sachs arrogantly takes US money to secure themselves after helping to create the economic mess that has left many homeless and jobless. Xe gets away with sheer murder and sheer robbery with their non-policed escapades. Corporations have successfully eroded the borders and the laws of many countries with their power. Many of them pretend to wrap themselves in the red, white and blue of the American flag but in truth they have nothing but contempt for anyone or anything that gets in their way.
It’s me, it’s always been me. I’m the cruel one with the cruel sense of humor. I’m the Khater! Oh God, I’m the Khater!
PLEASE ban all controversial topics immediately!!! ESPECIALLY all stories about Kate Gosselin? Jon (whoever that is) hasn’t lived in NYC for months!!! How can you people be so cruel???
From now on, only articles about Puppy Dogs and Ice Cream …..
sorry rfreed, wasn’t trying to attack your writing just your politics.
Eh, the overtly political stuff always takes a deft hand. Otherwise one risks punching straight forward, leaving the humor behind. My politics are to the right of rfreed, I’d bet. Yet objectively speaking, I think this is a pretty funny story premise.
Writing from a passionate viewpoint, well sometimes humor’s hard to blend in there. Like if I was CEO privatizing the US?
Plans to invade Canada, put all Americans on minimum wage, tax Churches, etc. would be announced by new company spokesperson, Betty White, cause everybody likes Betty our research has shown.
Further, all National memorials and Parks would go up for naming rights… it’s the Red Bull/Washington Memorial, and of course they have paint the logo on it. And all National Parks, like E-bay/Yellowstone for example. Admission prices have to go up, about same cover charge as Disney Land though.
As I said, overtly political stuff takes a deft hand. But I think story premise is a great gag idea.
I don’t know, I always thought hippies were a peaceful lot. I like ’em. I’d rather live in a land where everyone has just enough to get by and are on equal footing, one where there is clean water and an abundance of wildlife due to a respect for mother nature and an understanding that once a species is wiped out, it is gone forever, instead of one where a small percentage has more than their share and doesn’t care that others are suffering or that they are taking what they can as quickly as they can before anyone else gets it. But hey, that’s just me.
I thoroughly enjoyed your well-written article rfreed. Hope to see more. You are growing as a satirical writer right before our eyes.
Knee jerk reaction. Should shut everyone else up so that only you have the right of free speech. Is everything someone else says a threat to you?
Nation,
Your are now under the rule of hippydom. Everyone will be paid as much money as they think they deserve. From here on out we will run on ethanol, which is terrible for the environment, but it isn’t oil so it is okay. We will give peace a chance. If anyone tries to hurt you, play a crappy 3 chord song. We herebye disband all corporations and will have to make out own clothes, food, shelter, machinery, you know, like they did a thousand years ago. Money is evil so we will barter. It is incredibly inefficient but I hate capitalism and can do so because it provided me with a country well enough that I can piss and moan without consequence. Eating cattle is illegal because killing animals is bad. we will use that farmland to raise organic crops that produce at one tenth what engineered crops do. The cattle will be transferred to Nevada because they are a reminder of the horrible corporate world that capitalism created. We will no longer use electricity. We will burn wood like our forefathers even though that is stupid and much more inefficient and damaging to the environment…..sorry just kidding, all those ideas are absolutely stupid.