TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos.

The town of Rockdale went about its business as usual. The closed down storefronts stayed closed down. The Post Office, the only building in town without the windows boarded, was the only thing that seemed to stand agape as Mel went on and on. After about an hour, Gibson tired out, threw his wife in the trunk of his dilapidated car, and went home. Tawdry Soup finally stopped and asked the lone witness, a 50 year old spitfire who claimed to be the head of the Rockdale Chamber of Commerce, “what the hell?” She answered, “Do you know who his Daddy was? Now excuse me, I gotta get to the post office. “By the way,” she snipped as she looked back, “That Mel Gibson was really a hunk when he was younger!“