HOLLYWOODLAND, West Coast (GlossyNews) — Self-crowned ‘King of Directors’ James Cameron today announced a project expected to establish a new standard in cinema. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, the mega-hit crafter was upbeat, while still maintaining his signature condescending tone.
“Art, and that’s why I do, art? In this Hollywoodland cesspool there’s always a cadre of prostitutes who’ll shamelessly copy great artists. You think I’m kidding? That loser directing ‘Micro-machines: The Movie’ drugged and sodomized a teenager last weekend. He thinks that’ll make him a Polanski, and it’s sad. Kind of thing we artists have to deal with every day.”
Cameron explained his new project will befuddle imitators, and likely lead to the establishment of a Nobel Prize for Film, for which the esteemed Director expects to be the initial honoree. “Yeah, I do the ultimate 3-D film, and suddenly the hacks are all doing 3-D. Let the cretins do their stuff. Instead, I’ll do something they can’t ever match; the first and probably only 4-D movie!”
The Oscar winning Director/Producer then introduced a panel consisting of the leading Physicists in the world. The experts detailed how the fourth dimension is time, for about ninety seconds. Then Cameron told them to sit down. “Yeah, see? I’ve consulted these people who are almost smart as me, and they all say time is the fourth dimension. So in my next movie, we’re going to play every second of the entire film on the screen all at the same time.”
King of Directors James Cameron briefly outlined the enormous challenges inherent in this new frontier of cinema. “To be true to my art, because that’s what I do, art? It’s complicated beyond belief. Every actor in the movie, we also have to show them, every second of their lives from birth to death, on the screen all at the same time too.”
On questioning, Cameron again displayed the signature dismissive attitude Hollywoodland has fearfully come to regard as endearing. Asked about the story line of the 4-D movie, Cameron said, “Oh, I guess another thinly veiled re-working of ‘Dances with Wolves’ probably. That’s not important really.”
When asked if 4D would require any special glasses or other sensory aids, Cameron replied, “I dunno. Maybe we’ll just set the whole movie to a soundtrack of a metronome ticking ever so slightly faster for two hours — but all two hours played out simultaneously in 1 second. Hmmm, yeah, I dunno…”
Alfred Hitchcock could not be reached for comment. The publicist for his estate explained that it was because he died in 1980, but that’s a highly unlikely story.
Kirk Cameron could also not be reached for comment. The lesser Cameron is still alive, even though his career died in the 1980s.