Goldman Sachs is arguably best known as the firm that created the most wealth for the most clients over the longest sub-decade period of prosperity in modern history, though they’re as well known as the people who created the equally dismal downturn. Now, with the rise of satirists like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, they’re better known as the men with “Golden Man Sacks”, and that’s apparently a joke they’re just fine with.
The US Secretary of State and former Goldman Sachs executive pointed out, “Listen, they did a number of things wrong, but to blast them for gilded balls is water off a duck’s taint. They know what they did, how they got away with it, and they’re reaping the benefits of it to this day, so let’s not attack them.”
Apparently the whole “balls of gold” thing comes as less of an insult than those who lost thier entire life savings might appreciate.
Stan Morganly, a junior executive recently promoted from accounting to the trading floor, explained to Glossy News off-the-record that, “In the days of developing America, it was impressive to say a titan of industry had brass balls or balls of steel, but what we do isn’t even technically an industry, so it makes sense that our balls are dipped in gold, or even made of solid gold entirely.”
Lloyd Blankfein spoke to reporters from his levitating palace hovering over New York’s financial district, saying, “Listen some people bronze their baby booties, but if we’re going to keep the top talent in the industry, even if they are the people that created this catastrophe and forced America into disaster, we have to afford them at least the simple kindness of letting them pour their testes into a vat of molten gold.”
Janice Hopjins Fertility Expert, Martha Kirschoff, explained that, “if these people want to de-select their genes from breeding, even if it’s at the cost of countless ounces of gold, it might still pay off for society in the long run.”