Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia

Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola, the eighth largest world economic power and fifth largest military power justifies this move saying, “U.S. and freedom fighting coalition forces have long fought to stabilize this region. Now, with national security in the balance our armed forces are well poised to help re-estabish peace in Somalia.”

While critics have cited the placement of interim prime minister Josef Smithaf (devout Mormon who claims Muslim decent) opening of a Coca-Cola pipeline as the primary grounds for military presence in Somalia, corporate representatives insist their presence is in the spirit of peace.

“It’s not just because Somalia is sitting on the world’s second largest reserve of Coca-Cola, critics need to shut the hell up,” says Jake Haffrey, spokesman for Coca-Cola’s military division, “The pipeline is secondary, we’re interested in democracy the world over. This isn’t an opportunistic move, all colas are allowed equal representation. Historically the people have always chosen Coke over the other guys and when Pepsi decides to send missionaries to the region, we’ll be ready for a popular vote.”

Pepsi has faced growing complication in recent years, including third-party vote detractors such as RC, Tab, and numerous local generic brands. Pepsi, whose own military forces are less than half of those from Coca-Cola has not yet announced any new military actions in Africa.

Military correspondent Wolf “check me in danger” Blitzer explains that “Pepsi is ill-equipped to take on a land war in Africa. Their tanks are Korean War era, their troops have been fattened by their KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut rations. In fact, the only thing keeping them in the cold beverage war is their advanced satellite network and their popular Pepsi Challenge vote, however slanted it may be. They’re still bent on coming out on top so we should expect air strips on [Coca-] cola plants and rebel strikes on the pipeline.”

More on this story as it develops.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.