Tattoo Fails to be Even Remotely Sexy

Jerri-Anne Thomas is a newly divorced, middle-aged, portly housewife who has been working hard to express the hunger of her acute onset mid-life crisis. When her sexually liberated spinster friend got a new tattoo hailed as sexy by a variety of fellow bar-goers, Jerri-Anne decided it was just the thing for her.

Jerri-Anne decided to outdo her friend’s ivy-style armband tattoo and surpass the myriad butterflies, roses, and critter tattoos ranging from unicorns to kitty cats by committing to a broad, sweeping brand for this soaking, cleaning, sweeping broad.

“I’m a little overweight” admits Jerri-Anne “so my best feature is probably my milky white breasts. What says “Got Milk” like a tattoo of a cow?”

DJ Dark is the responsible tattoo artist at Shipyard Ink where the tattoo was permanently embedded into Jerri-Anne’s voluptuous tummy. “When I found out she was paying with cash it was totally on; carte blanc, baby. I left her with both a cow tat {tattoo} and a lasting impression.”

Jerri-Anne says, “I was laying there for like four hours thinking “Wow, I’m getting a really good value on my money here. I only paid for llike an hour.” She didn’t see it right away as Mr. Dark bandaged over it immediately.When she saw it the following morning she wasn’t entirely thrilled.

“I mean, I like it, but it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” In the dark corners of her mind she envisioned something more feminine but in the hindquarters of her own rump roast her bar-going male friends are now curious.

Gary Miller is a longshoreman and regular at Davey Jones Lager, their mutual haunt. He offered that he’d “never thought of her in a physical way before, but now I wonder what she’d sound like if I backdoor betty’d that butt-buffet.” Tom, who has been married nineteen years has three kids and has never (much) been unfaithful to his wife admits “that gaping inny gets me thinking if I could just drop it in there and shake it off in a few minutes it probably wouldn’t be that bad, you know?”

While we most certainly do not know what Tom is getting at nor after, we do know that Jerri-Anne’s hepatitis test came back positive, presumably from needle-born infection. The only thing left to be debated is whether it is the tattoo or the hepatitis that is in fact the worst remaining feature of her experience.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.