Donald Trump has claimed that leading the January 6 mob was a missed opportunity for him to serve his country and give back.
“I was never allowed to partake in military service. They say it was bad feet. No, it was actually my father. He cherished me too much to allow me to be in harm’s way. He knew I had a lust for business and he wasn’t going to lose money on me. If I’d had my way, I would have been on the front lines of Vietnam, Gulf War, Iraq, you name it. I would have made general, a great general. Because I’m general material, far smarter than all the generals now and in history,” the former President said.
“And when January 6 came, I fought like hell for the chance to lead my ‘troops’ from the Washington Monument to the Capitol. It was to be my shining moment, leading them in a gentle, non-violent battle to take back their country. You can’t show weakness when you’re trying to save the republic,” he noted.
When asked about reports of the mob being heavily armed, the former president noted that a few people were armed but it was to show they meant business.
“You have to look strong. How would it look on television if they were pussies with no arms? Plus, they weren’t after me. It would have been a beautiful sight, these swords and spears and assault rifles gleaming in the sunshine as I led them to victory!”
What about reports of him trying to force his Secret Service detail to allow him to march to the Capitol?
“Naturally I threw a hissy fit, just like a good general would! I needed to march and show my people I was their leader. But they kept me hostage all day with McDonalds to keep me company, so the second-best thing I could do was watch the events on television. It was a beautiful sight, so much fun! But it would’ve been more fun if I’d been there. Because I found that I have a terrific capacity to smash things. I could have made such a beautiful mess at the Capitol. I had catsup and porcelain all ready to go. I love the sound of things breaking!
“Everyone missed me on January 6. You wouldn’t believe the millions of cards and letters I’ve gotten saying how much they missed me.
“But don’t worry. When I’m President again, we’ll commemorate January 6 with real fireworks and patriotic songs! You better believe I’ll be marching. I’m assembling quite a collection of priceless porcelain and catsup for the celebration. Heinz is my favorite.
“People need to see their leader, see what they missed. I’ll show them that, as the song goes, ‘In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General!’”
When asked for comment about the former president’s extraordinary effort to bring loving and peaceful demonstrators to the U.S. Capitol on January 6 in order to save democracy, along with his talent for musical theater, a representative for the U.S. Department of Justice, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the extreme sensitivity of the matter, indicated it was weighing exactly what kind of award to offer Trump, including whether an extended stay in one of its upgraded facilities would be more to his liking.
A decision was highly anticipated but would not be finalized for months to come, the spokesperson noted.
“Even though the former president was unable to lead his troops in battle, his tweets and speeches performed a great service to the nation by bringing the missing elements in our democracy to our attention,” according to the spokesperson. “So let me be perfectly clear. That level of service deserves an equally vigorous response. For someone like Donald Trump who wants to have his cake and eat it too, I can assure you that we will do everything in our power to see that he gets his just desserts.”
A spokesperson for the former president, when asked about the potential amenities that Trump might be afforded, had little to say except, “He’s been waiting his whole life for this.”