Grassley Challenges McConnell to a Duel for Control of Senate

Washington, DC- On Friday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R- SC) indicated that he would not hold a vote on a bipartisan criminal justice reform bill during the lame duck congressional session, and would instead focus his efforts on confirming Circuit Court judicial nominees, angering Senators on both sides of the isle. On Monday, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, (R-IA) lashed out against the Majority leader, and indicated he would personally challenge McConnell for control of the Senate.

Mitch McConnell has demonstrated time and again that he is not fit for leadership.  His decision to block a vote on the criminal justice reform bill, and to instead focus on judicial nominees is laughable. Thanks to Mitch’s feud with Senator Flake (R-AZ), there is absolutely zero chance these judicial nominees will be confirmed.  Rather than voting on a popular piece of legislation, which has overwhelming, bipartisan support, both in the house and the senate, as well as the presidents backing, he’s just going to waste our time. I’m here to tell the American people that nobody in the Senate is happy about these obstructionist efforts,and we will not sit idle as Mitch McConnell continues to hold the legislative process hostage. As an American citizen, I take these actions personally and see them as an affront to the democratic process. Back in the days of my youth, when another man behaved in this manner, you fucking did something about it.

Grassley shouted from the steps of the capitol building.

As a representative of the people, of the great state of Iowa, I have sworn an oath to protect and carryout the directives of the Constitution of the United States of America, and to that end, it is my duty to stand up and push back against these type actions.  If Mitch McConnell will notwork to make this body functional, then we must work to get him out of office.  That is why, today, I formally declare that I will challenge Mitch McConnell for leadership of the Senate!

He shouted, and produced two flint-lock pistols:

I challenge Mitch McConnell to a duel for the Senate.

Majority Leader McConnell was swift in his reply, tweeting:

Chuck Grassley is a weak man, and is completely out of touch with America. Obviously, there is no chance that I would comply with such a stupid request. If Chuck wants to challenge me for the leadership of the Senate, so be it… I accept Chuck’s challenge, but as the reigning leader, we do this on my terms.
Control over the Senate requires more than just a willingness to lead, it takes a man with guts and connections. It takes a man whose grit exceeds his conviction…It takes a man who has balls the size of Texas that are as hard as steel from Indiana, and I’m here to tell you… Chuck Grassley is not such a man. But… if he wants to put his money where his mouth is, and he wants to wade in with the big boys, then I’ll be his huckleberry. Why don’t you swing by my office on Tuesday, Chuck, I’ll give you your shot.
And you can leave your flintlock pistols at home because you won’t need ‘em, this isn’t 1776. I’ve got a modern game, where the stakes are exactly the same. It’s called Russian roulette, and it’s one of my favorites, so what do you say Chuck… Do you want to come over to play?

Author: Fort Nag

Fort Nag is a Poet and Speculative Satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA, USA. "I like to write about a world that doesn't exist, and probably shouldn't. Writing satire has taught me that sometimes fact and fiction do overlap, and what 'could never happen,' seems to happen all the time. So laugh, or cry... Those are your only options."

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