UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.
They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.
The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.
‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.
‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.
‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’
The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.
‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.
‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’
Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.
George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.
George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.
George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.
He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.
George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.
In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.
‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.
‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.
‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’