The government and media have angrily accused Glossy News of publishing well researched, balanced and factually accurate articles.
‘This is a total disgrace,’ passionately screamed a representative of the National Union of Journalists. ‘Glossy News is respected for its spoof news stories. We expect fake news from its writers. Some of what it’s publishing now is, well, just plain wrong.’
Owch!
‘Hell,’ he continued, ‘those of us in the mainstream media don’t even have a word for the sort of writing that correctly and dispassionately reflects reality.’
National government has also voiced concerns. ‘How are people going to know what to believe?’ shouted a furious government representative. ‘People turn to Glossy News, as with the mainstream media, for a biased take on world events that may have only tentative connections to actual facts – if any at all. Recent Glossy News articles, however, have examined the subtle nuances of real world situations in a thoughtful and responsible way. The present government and all properly thinking, God fearing, people are rightly disgusted by this.’
Recent Glossy News headlines that have attracted criticism include: Complex, Multi-Faceted Situation Resolved By Reasoned Compromises and Most Ordinary People Want To Make The World A Better Place.
The latter headline, and the associated article, also drew impassioned criticism because of its positive, optimistic and life-affirming tenor. ‘People don’t want or need to read about how, despite the problems in the world, there is real hope,’ yelled an incensed representative of the tabloid press. ‘They need to constantly be reminded of the fear they should experience in their every waking moment about the imminent collapse of society. They need to know about all the evil, pernicious individuals and groups who are to blame for hourly horrors and who should be the rightful focus of their scorn and hatred.
Oh, dear.
‘We take pride,’ he added, ‘in the increasing levels of depression and other mental health issues in society as our reporting helps people to fully appreciate the despair and hopelessness which they ought to experience.’
Intelligence agencies have challenged the legitimacy and motives of the Glossy News writers who have been accurately portraying positive news. ‘Although we cannot reveal our sources,’ said a Security Service spokesman, ‘we have incontrovertible evidence that many of these stories have been inspired by the Russians to undermine the fabric of western society. Others have been traced to the Chinese, Iranians, Israelis and all the other nations listed in the Almanac of Terrorists, Larcenists And Saboteurs – or the Atlas as we call the book.’
Religious groups have come out in support of the press, government and security agencies in damning the stance of Glossy News. ‘Factual correctness is all very well,’ said a representative of the major religious organisations, ‘but is that the sort of truth we want? Religions have known for centuries that real truth can only be identified by the level of passion and delusional fervour with which beliefs are held. We are delighted that society’s institutions are finally advancing towards our way of thinking.’
Oxford English Dictionary editors are currently seeking a word to describe this new phenomenon of accuracy, honesty and responsibility in reporting. ‘Post-post-truth has been proposed,’ said an OED spokeswoman. ‘The risk, however, is that this would open the linguistic door to post-post-post-truth and post-post-post-post-truth. Then, who would know what to believe?’