Caption Text Goes Here: Honest John: Under the influence of the Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.
This shocking suppressed interview with the prime minister of the New Zealand realm, John Phillip Key (AKA ‘the Smiling Assassin’), delves deeper into the reasons underpinning the bullying of a waitress by the country’s leader. It was conducted by The New Zealand Herald’s editor, Shayne Currie, who had his ‘plumber mates’ break in to the world headquarters of Snoopman News Group to steal the most coveted treasure of the media world, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.
Snoopman News learned who was behind the break-in, because journalists can’t keep secrets. We confronted Currie, who disclosed that because his newspaper had the scoop on the story of New Zealand’s prime minister’s ponytail-pulling harassment, he said it was crucial to know the truth to better keep track of how it was going to be bent, since gossip columnist Rachel Glucina would create a warped narrative to protect the prime minister.
Shayne Currie: I’ve read a draft of Amanda Bailey’s [the harassed waitress] account. She mentions the power disparity at play, wherein she is a waitress, and you’re the prime minister, with the protection of two body-guards and in the company of your wife on each of your visits to the Hip Group franchised café, Rosie. She asserts that after you’d pulled her ponytail on numerous occasions, and she’d made it clear by her body language that she didn’t like having her hair pulled, you continued to tug her ponytail. Why did you repeatedly pull waitress Amanda Bailey’s hair like a naughty three year-old?
John Key: [Chuckles] One reason is we’re experimenting with a new touchy-feely public relations model called Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC), which takes the manipulation of politicians kissing babies to ‘next level’. As you know, National’s [Key’s political party] public relations firm is Crosby Textor. It’s a bit of an Anglo-Saxon political party favourite. Crosby Textor noticed I had a slight hair fetish, called Trichophilia, especially for young fillies, and they saw how we could exploit it by morphing it into the ‘Nice Guy Key’ Brand that we had manufactured for my political assent.
SC: So, Crosby Textor figured this new ‘stock in political-horse trade’ trick could make the Trichophilia appear like fatherly affection, care and attention?
A Fetish Outing: People thought it was wee bit weird
SC: But, how would the serial hair-pulling of a waitress help your political party’s re-election bid and beyond? I mean, the waitress claims that she became more direct with her brush-offs, and you then pretended it was your wife Bronagh doing the hair-pulling. Was that like a change of game plan to get ‘a rise’ [heighten the tension] out of her, so you could brag about it with your investment class supporters?
JK: Yep. The idea was that I’d push it into a public social setting, where I’d get more, more, more, you know, triple-more tipsy and brag about my antics-before and after-dark – for hours – because as Bill English has told journalists, I love to natter at length because I have a big ego.
SC: Let me get this straight. Brag to who exactly?
JK: Brag to National’s hardcore primary constituency, the big donors, who take ‘male entitlement’ as a given, since the term actually means boys and men expect women to serve and be submissive to jerks like us.
SC: But, why?
JK: My antics were signaling to male capitalists that I have the politics of the struggling working class firmly in hand.
This was especially important to do after getting the Employment Relations Amendment bill passed into law last year, which Bronagh and I needed to fire our house-cleaner because she did nothing around our thirteen million-dollar mansion, as I mentioned to the president of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions Helen Kelly when she met me to express concerns over the employment bill.
So bragging about my ponytail pulling antics made my bad-ass reputation among the Male Entitlement Fraternity [or ‘the Old Boys Network’] shoot upward.
SC: So, the audience for the hair-tugging antics was like an inside track while the wider public crowd only saw the Nice Guy Key stuff.
JK: Yup. We dubbed it Split Enz. [Key guffawing and snorting]
SC: Mean. What about contingencies?
IdealWorldKeyPonyTailHorse.png goes here
Caption Text Goes Here – Horsing Around: John Key’s public relations firm, Crosby Textor, likes cheesy puns.
SC: So, you’re saying National insiders and Crosby Textor conspired to target a waitress and harass her to the limit?
JK: Hell yes! We called it Operation Ponytail. We capitalists love to torment muggles and hobbits, because they actually have to work to survive, since over the last 10 centuries we’ve driven them off their native lands the world-over. [Currie sniggering and sounds of him scribbling notes]. That’s the story that J.K. Rowling and Peter Jackson have failed to tell in their epic sagas.
SC: Where was Bronagh [John Key’s wife] in all this?
JK: Bronagh would tell me to stop it and leave the poor girl alone. And then the waitress chick told my body-guards she’d ‘one day snap and punch me in the face.’ At a subsequent encounter, as I was settling the bill with an autographed cheque that I know they’ll never cash – like Dali used to do – and I approached ‘the ponytail girl’, making the Jaws theme tune, with my hands raised high like I was trying to ‘get a tug on’ [or yanking her hair]. She asked, “is it self defence, with your security here, if I have to physically stop you from touching me?” And I grinned my Smiling Assassin grin [Lengthy chuckling on BASF tape], and I countered, “defence against what?”, guffawed Key.
SC: That… sounds psychopathic. [Currie snickering, Key snorting]. So, you’re not concerned that this Ponytail scandal unravels Brand Key?
JK: Look, you know as well as I do that New Zealand’s mainstream media pull their punches when it comes to me and my pro-corporate party. The Parliamentary Press Corp are still under my spell since that time I charmed them with a cake I made on a flight aboard an Air Force Orion transporter to China in April 2013. The reef fish [parliament-beat reporters] contracted a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and behaved like five year-olds at a birthday party.They still feel weird about it when they brush their teeth.
SC: I mean, Nicky Hager’s book Dirty Politics exposed your political party’s two-track communications strategy, wherein your party machine manufactured your ‘Nice Guy’ persona, while the same machine outsourced dirty political attacks to right wing bloggers, with the complicity of the mainstream media.
JK: Yes. And your newspaper was complicit in that process Shayne, so stop trying to occupy the middle cross among ‘sinners’.
SC: And your political party pursued that two-track communications strategy knowing it would hurt left-wing political parties first because ‘lefty’ voters tend to have sissy feelings about everythi-
JK: Including the homo idea that politics ought to be fair, mature and above-board. Look, when we survived the Dirty Politics scandal through the last election campaign, our first thought was how do we capitalize on how zoned out the New Zealand population is and amplify it even more.
JK: Well, besides being an enormous amount of fun, you have to understand that New Zealand is treated like a lab by the rulers of the world, the Illuminati, who have an obsessive-compulsive disorder to embody the Cult of World Domination. The Illuminati have been variously identified over time as, the Fraternity, the Grid, and the Committee of 300 [They self-identify as the Olympiards, according to former MI6 agent, John Coleman].
SC: So, muggles and hobbits are conditioned to think it’s just conspiracy theory that there’s a group behind the curtain, like in The Wizard of Oz, manipulating events and steering the world along toward colliding crises?
JK: Pretty much. The movie The Usual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey, is a cult-classic in the National party. We’ve taken the line, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”, as a mantra.
SC: [Sniggering] How do you avoid getting confused between what is true and the lies you fabricate?
JK: Awww look, you need to use the truth as your reference point for ‘managing the optics’. There’s no doubt about it, lying gets complicated without such reference points first being surveyed to maintain the inherent logic of the copies of reality being manufactured. That holds true for any practitioners of ‘speed politics’ who possess a significant command of resources, as scholar in International Law Eric Wilson argues in Crimes Against Reality.
SC: So, what is it with the hair fetish?
JK: To be honest, since you have me tied up and I feel weirdly compelled to tell the truth for once, Amanda has a very tantalising ponytail. I like it when girls wear ponytails because of the way their neck looks, especially when they have that neck hair that won’t reach into the ponytail. [Pause] My party’s public relations firm Crosby Textor told me to add, ‘I’m wondering if I’m a bit gay or something? Go figure!’ Because they said that would rebuild sympathy with female voters. New Zealanders are such sucker-luckers for my manufactured down-to-earth persona.
SC: I’m going to loosen the rope so you can be ‘a-large’ again.
[As the interview ends, sounds of Key caressing and sniffing the rope can be heard]
JK: Is the rope made of hemp, or horse-hair?
SC: Ponytail hair.
JK: Filly girl’s hair? [Sounding excited]
SC: It may be make-believe girl’s hair or make-real girl’s hair. Whatever optical fantasy you want it to be John. We’re all in this together.
JK: Neigh! [Sounds of Key scuffing his shoe on the carpet