Historian Casts Doubt on Helen Keller Legacy

BOSTON, MA (GlossyNews) — First-time author Calvin Klavan has touched many nerves with his newly published, “The Keller Fraud: It was just a bad astigmatism.” In the 657 page narrative, Klavan posits a seemingly bizarre take on Keller, the beloved symbol of triumph against all odds. The book was bound to stir controversy, the author was quick to admit to Glossy News reporters.

“See, when a historian is confronted with an unpleasant truth, that historian must address it. I came across Helen Keller’s double life quite by accident. As President John Jefferson once said, ‘The truth is enemy of no honest man’ or woman too, if she’s a girl. So I told the truth, and I knew people would get angry.”

The book details a surprising alternate existence for Keller, where she was neither blind nor deaf, and strongly suggests she was a con-woman exploiting American sympathies in a public life that spanned six tumultuous decades of U.S. history.

Klavan said, “I accidentally happened on records showing that a woman named Kelly Heller, who was exactly same age as Helen Keller, had a car. Then I found out this ‘Kelly Heller’ was a jazz musician. So after some research, I got in touch with relatives of this alleged Kelly Heller. They insisted Kelly Heller was a man, an African-American man, and that’s when I first glimpsed the massive conspiracy.”

The author went on to explain that while he can’t prove it, he believes famed Keller teacher Anne Sullivan was “in on it from the start, and probably put her up to it.”

The New York Times Book Review had mixed praise for “The Keller Fraud.” Guest reviewer Camille Paglia wrote, “Klavan paints a fascinating portrait of Helen Keller’s double life as a male jazz musician, a saxophone player for Duke Ellington who was once arrested in a Prohibition era gambling raid. This is likely the most painstakingly researched pile of dog crap ever printed in the English language, apart from anything penned by Ann Coulter.”

Others were not so kind in their assessments. Esteemed historian Douglas Brinkley said, “Calvin Klavan, no kidding? Yeah, went to college with him. His Masters thesis was ‘World War I Didn’t Happen’ and he listed Glossy News as a source. Not the sharpest knife in the chandelier if ya know what I mean.”

Assembled reporters agreed, nobody knew what Dr. Brinkley meant.

The controversy isn’t likely to go away any time soon. Tim Burton has optioned “The Keller Fraud” for filming, and Johnny Depp has tentatively agreed to portray the famed deaf/blind (at least that’s what she claimed) American icon.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.