Mansour Biden Unleashed

Washington – At a hastily called press briefing yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden blasted the New York Times for asserting in an editorial that a highly classified document on American missile defense was made public accidentally.

“I expect better of the Times,” Biden told reporters. “It makes us look like the gang that couldn’t shoot straight. Instead of covering for us reflexively, they shoulda checked with us first. We woulda sworn ‘em to secrecy and told ‘em it wasn’t a security breach; it was a quid pro quo with Iran and North Korea.

“See, the deal was, we ‘inadvertently’ make public the technical details of our anti-missile program, they agree to sit down and talk seriously about nuclear disarmament.

“Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il,” Biden continued, “confidentially, we outfoxed ‘em, ‘cause we had already made the missile defense info available to the U. N. Select Committee on U. S. Disarmament, so it was gonna be leaked anyways. Bottom line: we really didn’t give up a thing to the mullahs or that North Korean troll.”

In other remarks, the Vice President expressed frustration at the unexpected difficulty he’s had in spending hundreds of billions of stimulus dollars quickly. “Ain’t easy bein’ green, lemme tell ya. Sure, everybody wants a piece of the key-lime pie, but we’re doin’ this right and vettin’ folks: no dough in your pocket unless you been in our pocket–or promise you will be.”

Mr. Biden revealed that the President is also concerned about the slow pace of spending. “The Big O says to me last week, ‘Joe, get rid of Stimulus One money by fall because Stimulus Two is comin’ down the track, and I want that first train unloaded and out of the station before the second one arrives. ’ I said, ‘Don’t worry, Boss. I run the railroad, and I’ll get ‘er done. Anything left over, I’ll pour into the California sinkhole.”

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