Washington – Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano introduced James Carville today as the Department’s new “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar.” A political science professor at Tulane, Carville is inexplicably married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin.
“Dr. Carville has an unparalleled understanding of the danger the right poses to President Obama’s vision of America,” Napolitano said. “He will work with Attorney General Holder and Democratic Attorneys General across the country to ferret out and expose subversion masquerading as dissent.”
Carville—or “Serpenthead,” as he is known to political herpetologists–announced that he will launch an immediate investigation into the origins and funding of the “tea party” demonstrations springing up across the country.
“Ya got these here ‘tea pirates’ hijackin’ the national conversation, talkin’ trash, holdin’ up the Constitution as some kinda sacred text that empowers ‘em. They messin’ wid simple, hard workin’ folks’ heads–people never give the IRS nor deficits no never mind before–gettin’ ‘em riled up ‘n spoutin’ anti-gummint nonsense.
“Limbaugh, Hannity, that Reynolds fella, Glenn Beck,” Carville continued, “they leadin’ the pack, but I’m gonna call in my own dogs to wet the fire ‘fore the hunt is done and the moon rises over the bayou.” Asked to explain, Mr. Carville responded, “Say what?”