At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we’d like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you’ll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security poorascopes.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Don’t spend so much time worrying about “where your retirement dollars are.” They are still safe and sound, only now they’re hard at work rebuilding Iraq.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – While it may seem like many years off until you’re in the social security poorhouse, if you saw the real accounting, you’d know it’s much farther still.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t fear that your expectations will be let down. Much like trying to date with a bunch of kids, just assume you won’t get what you want no matter how low your expectations. That way you’ll never be let down.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You’re fortunate, neither women nor drink nor social security will ever make you poor said FirstSecurity Services. Nope, it’s the heart disease that will get you before any of that other stuff.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Though you may only ever see $100 a month of your social security, hey, it’s $100 you didn’t have before, right? Of course, when I say “see” I only meant on paper, as all of it will go to back child support, you deadbeat. Bummer for you.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) – While many worry about retirement, your carefree spirit does not. What will make you poor is your boss, who is looking over your cubicle wall right now. You are so fired.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) – You toil daily and wonder where all your money’s gone. This week you’ll feel a great sense of relief when you realize the President’s buddies have it.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) – Your personal fears of an impoverished retirement are unfounded as the cost of cat food and saltines is expected to remain static until 2080.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) – Fears of social security bankruptcy are expected to dissipate in 2032 when the government institutes elderly sex camps and wealthy Japanese businessmen realize they love nailing blue-haired prune bags.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) – Since you deserve recompense from the government, buy a bunch of lotto tickets. It’s that or gamble on social security.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) – You, Sagittarius, can count on your due subsidy from social security just like you can quote the President on a matter with Condaleeza Rice quoting the opposite a week later and a top official being fired for speaking yet a third position.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When it’s time to retire and find your money isn’t there, just move to Iraq as analysts agree your money IS there.