Tag Archive | "virus"

Widespread Ebola Pandemic Fears A “Huge Confidence Booster” For Previously Modest Ebolavirus

SENEGAL – Explaining that it was, “as surprised as the next viral particle,” about the panic surrounding a potential global Ebola outbreak, EBOV, the virus responsible for Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, held a press conference this week detailing its seemingly pleasant surprise at the worldwide discussion regarding its supposed pandemic-worthy virulence factors.

“Don’t get me wrong, I have always known my mortality rate was above average,” explained the negative-sense, single-stranded RNA virion. Read the full story


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Big Pharma Creates New Polio-Like Virus

Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren.

“We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached epidemic proportions by the end of summer”.

Skrewm explained that Big Pharma makes much of its money from viruses, virus treatments and vaccines. He claims they already have a vaccine for the new virus but won’t release it until at least 100,000 people have become infected.

“Then we will start a nationwide immunization campaign!” he stated.

“This disease is new and we haven’t worked out all bugs yet”, said Michael Lynch, VP of R&D for Big Pharma. “But have no fear! We will have the vaccine available before many of you are infected!”

Lynch explained that researchers genetically modified the old polio virus to make it resistant to every standard type of treatment then re-sequenced it.

“We need to make money for ourselves and to make our shareholders happy”, Lynch explained. “Every time we find a vaccine for a virus, that’s money coming out of our pockets. We need vaccines for new viruses to replace the old viruses”.

Big Pharma CEO Rick Cheney suggests deep pocketed investors invest now.

“I can’t give you any inside info but this is going to be big!” Cheney stated.


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Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

Atlanta, GA – Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Royal Caribbean Public Relations Director Nora Salmon said “This is a win-win for Royal Caribe, the CDC and octagenarians worldwide. Royal Caribbean gets a pass on burdensome health regulations while avoiding damaging press reports when the occasional norovirus breaks out.” Read the full story


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State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Read the full story


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Being Attacked By A Horde Of Blood Maddened Zombies Is Not Fun

Hello folks.
How are things going for you?
That’s good.
At the moment I am hold up in an abandoned farmhouse in the Midwest.
I have it boarded up and sealed off as much as possible.
I don’t do this normally.
It’s just that present conditions demand it.

(Crashing sounds coming from background) “Aaaaaarrrrhhhh! !!!!! Grrrr!!!!”

RIGHT: Image courtesy of PerplexingTimes.com… and yes, the blood is Photoshopped.

Excuse me a moment please. “DIE, CREATURE FROM HELL!!!!!! EAT THIS TIRE WRENCH!!!!!!!”

(Crunch! Smash! Hurt!) Read the full story


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Sarah Palin Flirts with Rare “Fire in Belly” Bug

FOX NEWS, NEW YORK CITY — GlossyNews.com Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, admitted to Greta van Susternen on her FoxNews show that she is suffering from the rare GOPTea political virus called “fire in belly”, or in beltway-speak: FIB. Read the full story


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CDC Warns Vampire Outbreak Imminent

The Center for Disease Control has issued an “urgent” warning about the spread of a dangerous new disease it’s calling “vampirism” or the DRAC1SUC3 virus. According to the press release issued today by the CDC, there has been an “alarming rise in the number of vampire related deaths or ‘undeaths’ over the last several years.” Read the full story


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Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Zamfir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones (no relation) is responsible. Read the full story


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