In a jaw-dropping statement today, Ms Dizzy Spell, a spokeswoman for Fox News revealed to a stunned press pack that a secret one-on-one TV debate between Presidential hopeful Senator Joe Biden, and President Donald Trump took place yesterday. However, Ms Spell went on to say that the performance of both candidates was so shameful that Fox had decided not to broadcast the event. The circumstances were thus:
In a last bid desperate attempt to influence the undecided voters in the swing states both candidates agreed to have a face-off. However, both had attached pre-conditions that had to be met by his opponent beforehand.
Biden had insisted that Trump wore a joke ‘Superman’ costume throughout the debate. This was to ridicule the president’s claim that he was now not only immune to Covid 19 but also to everything else on the planet except Kryptonite (fictional rock or dust material from the non existent planet of Krypton). It was also a prerequisite from Biden that Trump be called DUMP – a reference to the lead character in the upcoming podcast MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) – a hilarious comedy series that mercilessly portrays Trump as Donald Dump, an incompetent idiot.
The president, however, played a masterful trump card (no pun intended) by insisting that Joe Biden wore a clown’s costume. It is a little known fact that in his early twenties Biden trained and worked as a circus clown, using the name of Beppo. Also, in a retaliatory move, Trump insisted that Biden be called Beppo throughout the debate.
Amazingly both men agreed to the other’s demands, so desperate were they to win those essential swing votes.
Whilst the broadcast will never be aired, the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano managed to obtain a transcript of this encounter. For the record an unedited version is given below. It beggars belief that these two idiots think themselves worthy of becoming president of the United States and leader of the free world:
The format was the same as the previous head-to-head. Each man stood on a stage at a lectern while a questioner controlled the proceedings:
QUESTIONER – Good evening America and welcome to viewers coast to coast for our head to head debate between the Republican and Democrat nominees for the presidency, and the final chance before the polls open to see the two candidates in action. On the right we have the Democrats hopeful, ex circus performer, senator Joe Beppo, the sad faced clown. And on the left we have the Republican candidate, Donald J Dump… Okay, question number one. This goes to you first, Joe Beppo… What makes you the better candidate for the presidency?
BEPPO – I believe I would make the better clown…sorry, president for one reason and two reasons alone… er…er…where was I?
(At this point Biden was annoyed, thrown off his stride due to Trump leaving his lectern and shadow boxing around Biden)
BEPPO (cont.) – Stop it… Stop it! Hey this isn’t fair…
QUESTIONER – Mr Dump would you please return to your place behind your lectern and stop shadow boxing around your opponent…
(Trump reluctantly did as he was told, but started pulling silly faces at Biden).
BEPPO (confused)… Er, is it still my turn?…as a man who has never put his foot in a bucket of wallpaper paste…that’s a political metaphor, I think… and, er… a practicing, er… (annoyed) Stop it! This isn’t fair. He’s pulling faces now. Can you stop him please? I want to have my say.
QUESTIONER (angry) – Mr Dump! Please return to your place, stop pulling faces and let Senator Beppo answer the question.
(Trump stopped the face pulling).
QUESTIONER (CONT’D) – Thank you! Now, Senator Beppo…
(really warm and friendly) – Or can I call you uncle Joe? Go ahead. You have the floor…
(However, before he can speak, Trump interrupted).
DUMP – I got this! I would make the bestest ever president of Russia because…
BEPPO – Haha! He said Russia! What an idiot… It’s Americana you clown!
DUMP – You’re the clown…CLOWN!
BEPPO – Not for much longer. I’m gonna be president of Americana and when I am…You’re going to jail, fellah!
DUMP – Oh yeah!
BEPPO – Yeah!
DUMP – Oh yeah!
BEPPO – Yeah… Excuse me. What are we talking about again? My short-term memory isn’t all it, er… What?
DUMP – Ladies and gentlemen watching. There you have it. (Here Trump mimicked Beppo mockingly) My short-term memory isn’t what it was…er,er,er,er,er… (Here Trump returned to his normal voice) The guy’s a joke. Vote for me, everyone, and I’ll build a black lives matter jail in every town in Russia
BEPPO – See! He said Russia again. He’d be the worst president in Americana’s history. Don’t vote for him. Vote for your good old, trustworthy uncle Joe…and I’ll give each and every one of you a custard pie…and that’s NOT a political metaphor. Thank you… and to answer your question I’ve got written down on this cue card they’ve just handed me… What I want for lunch is a tuna and mayo sandwich…and a glass of milk.
(At this point, unbelievably, Trump started ‘flashing’ Biden. However, his ‘hand’ was so small it was a while before anyone noticed).
BEPPO – Stop it! Stop it! (to the questioner)… I can’t concentrate…tell him to zip up!
QUESTIONER (close into the microphone) – Security!
DUMP – Okay! Okay! (Trump zipped up)… But isn’t it about time I got a question? He’s had all the show so far.
QUESTIONER – Okay, this one’s for you Mr Dump. What would you do to bring back fiscal prudence to our free economy, can you explain the equity premium puzzle, how is it possible to provide causal explanations using mathematical economics, and is there an equivalent of Black-Scholes for future contract pricing? …You have two minutes uninterrupted.
(There followed a long, and embarrassing silence).
DUMP – Can I go play golf now?
At this point Fox decided to cut the recording.