Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

DUNCAN, OK (Glossynews)– A local satire writer has been found dead in front of his home from multiple gunshot wounds. The assault apparently took place late last night. Police aren’t releasing any information, but several alleged eyewitnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim the man was gunned down by a masked gang of turkeys.

Likely wild. Initial reports of it being a gaggle of geese have since been disproved. While many are still skeptical about the details, evidence and shell casings gathered at the scene point towards some possibility of fowl play.

Dick Johnson, 47, was a long time resident of Duncan and according to local townsfolk, “not very well liked.” “He was always making smart-ass remarks and frankly, he just wasn’t that funny,” said a neighbor making off with the deceased man’s lawn furniture. Dick’s main notoriety in this small Oklahoma town was reportedly having written for hundred’s of satire sites, most of them now defunct.

“He was always rubbing that in your face,” said a waitress at the local diner where Dick ate breakfast every morning. “He claimed he was just a few hundred more stories from making it big. Didn’t make his tips any bigger, though.”

Two of Dick’s biggest claims to local fame were having a restraining order issued against him by Lady GaGa and being shot by Eminem. According to archived news reports, Eminem took personal offense at something Dick had posted on his blogsite, drove all the way to Oklahoma and shot him outside of a local Subway.

According to a local wino, “Dick was coming out of the donut shop next door to Subway when Eminem confronted him. They had some words and Dick tried to run…like he’d ever run in his entire annoying life, so it didn’t matter”. Eminem shot Dick 6 times, unfortunately, since Dick is about 400 pounds of ill-tempered fat, nothing vital was hit and he continued to write. Local authorities declined to charge Eminem if in return he’d, “Never mention Oklahoma in any of his songs.”

But, the assault apparently had a profound affect on Dick, who remained a prick, but changed his writing style and focused more on conspiracy theories. According to a close friend of a person who knew someone who once accidentally shared a table with Dick at the donut shop, Dick was working on a story that he said would “get him on the radar” at the time of his death.

After tracking down the person-of-interest at a local Dairy Queen and offering them two coupons to the Sizzing Sirloin, they agreed to an interview.

“He was going on and on about this satire website he’d posted on being a cover for an organization bent on global domination,” said Marvis Phipps, who spoke on the condition that her voice and image be disguised. “He claimed that a major corporation was resurrecting the dead to steal jobs from the living and selling seismic weapons to third world countries….crap like that!”

When asked if Dick were delusional, she said, “Probably not, but he was pretty stupid! I wish I had a dime for every time someone has gotten him to piss on the positive cable of a running car after convincing him it would give him super powers”.

But in the aftermath of Dick’s death, Marvis did recall him expressing fear over genetically modified foods. “There are evil people out there focused on creating foods that kill you,” he once told her between shoving entire donuts into his mouth. He then allegedly leaned across the table and whispered, “Skip the turkey this year. They’ve found a way to slip through the screening.” And that is when Marvis claims she, “Got the hell out of there!”

Authorities remain tight-lipped about persistent rumors of genetically altered turkeys driving up in a late-model clown car and opening fire at Dick while he was reportedly peering through a telescope, looking for signs of the impending alien invasion.

Indeed, allegations of seismic weaponry and psychic research are not new, but most people who knew Dick doubt he would have been smart enough to uncover anything worth merit. “I’m not sure Dick researched anything but porn,” said Hunter Boudreaux, local librarian.

Hopes are not high for a quick resolution to this perplexing case. Still, the local police chief still had his 9-year-old son put together an artist’s depiction of the possible suspect(s). Investigators will have to sort through at least 28,000 pages of badly written material to see if any of the conspiracy allegations have any merit. And according to the OSBI, “We’re really not that interested.”