Tag Archive | "prison"

New Church Dictates the Jailed Must Get Steak, Lobster, Internet

Separation of Church & State means a prison can’t tell you what to eat. They can’t force you to eat pork and, this church hopes, they cannot deny you lobster.

Jails are terrible [citation needed] and inmates often do anything they can just to feel like they have an ounce of control in their lives.

Dietary hassles are not just the beginning, they’re also usually the end. Read the full story


Posted in Podcasts, ReligionismComments (0)

Serial Peeping Tom “Dirty” Joe Palestine Thanks Supporters

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In an interview with Glossy News, Middlesex Adult Corrections Facility inmate “Dirty” Joe Palestine proclaimed his innocence and announced his heartfelt appreciation for the millions of people around the world who agree that Palestine deserves his freedom.

Palestine, whose offenses spanning from 2006-2010 the New Jersey District Attorney called “the most blatant acts of unlawful voyeurism for sexual purposes (he) had ever seen,” has never admitted to any wrongdoing in regards to the 146 charges of peeping tom-related behavior. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, Internets TubesComments (0)

Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense

A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense.

“I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas State District Judge Jean Boyd.

“His parents only make $65,000 per year between them. In order to qualify for the affluenza defense parents must make over $300,000 and have a cumulative net worth exceeding $3 million including property.”

The boy’s lawyer, public defender Josh Sherman, claims that despite his family’s low income, the boy has always been pampered and allowed to do whatever he wants. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (8)

OJ Simpson Claims ‘Prison More Fun Since Jerry Sandusky Arrived’

Pennsylvania Penal System – (SatireWorld.com) Convict number 183996, also known as OJ Simpson, has confided to friends through his letters and censored emails that prison is now a lot more fun!

In an article in Prison Life Magazine, the ex-football player, opens his soul over the daily fun and excitement he finds while sitting in a small cell with four other prisoners. Read the full story


Posted in SportsfolkComments (3)

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (0)

Lindsay Lohan Opts to Spend Time at Charlie Sheen’s Rehab Center

Lindsay Lohan appeared before Judge Keith Schwartz in Los Angeles today to find out whether or not she’ll be going to jail on charges of stealing a $2500 necklace or if she’ll be granted a new trial before another judge.

While her attorneys asked that the plea bargain contain no jail time, Judge Schwartz could not confirm that and therefore gave Lohan another two weeks to decide if she wanted to accept the plea bargain with possible jail time of anywhere from 30-90 days or have taxpayers splurge on another trial that could land her in state prison if found guilty. Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (0)

Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester in Franchise Reboot

Although the criminal case against accused gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, is just beginning, one thing is for certain, he’s going to prison. And if the administrators over at the infamous Supermax facility in Fremont County, Colorado have anything to say about it, he’ll be doing his time with them, where sources say he’s already being considered for a part in their prison production of The Addams Family musical. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, Talky PicturesComments (0)

US Inmate John Duty “Put Down”, Vet Wishes to Remain Nameless

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection of pentobarbital so that, “he could die like the damned dirty dog he was.”


Posted in News In Your BriefsComments (0)

Hollywood Judge Sentences Lindsay Lohan to Gas Chamber

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — After failing several court mandated drug and alcohol tests that were part of her sentencing arrangement in a recent DUI case involving drugs, actress Lindsay Lohan has found herself once again in the celebrity spotlight while back in front of the infamous L.A. Judge Tyrone Harding.

The recent conviction was tabloid headlines after photos surfaced showing the actress being asked to walk a straight line by a L.A. Sheriff’s Department officer while the camera captured six hypodermic needles dangling from her arm that she forgot to remove before getting behind the wheel. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, EntertainmentComments (1)

Lindsay Lohan Shopped for Toiletries & Cigs Anticipating Jail Stay

OS ANGELES, California – (Glossy News) – Lindsay Lohan was lucky she had the benefit of other celebrities’ experiences in jail to help prepare her for what to expect when she went into the slammer. Big names such as Lil’ Kim, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey, Jr. and Martha Stewart, yes, even Martha Stewart, have tweeted Lindsay with kinds words of encouragement and tips on how to survive the big house. Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (0)

Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — A controversial portion of President Obama’s newest education initiative has come under fire from the American Federation of Teachers, which claims the measure is not only unconstitutional but absurd.

The provision in the President’s overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind Act” would hold all teachers accountable for their students’ performance and, in some cases, allow authorities to criminally prosecute teachers with poorly performing students. Read the full story


Posted in EducationComments (0)

The Picasso: Brutal Body Art Technique Gains Popularity in Prisons

CHINO, CA (GlossyNews) — It’s difficult to trace the origins of tattoos and similar body art — which Western societies often regard as a form of mutilation — primarily because tattoos transcend culture and geography. Tattooing has been a practice since the Neolithic times, and today it’s not uncommon to see men and women of all ages displaying their “ink.” Read the full story


Posted in Strange PeopleComments (0)

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. This time the rapper is seeking three weeks’ grace before he begins serving a year in prison, because, his attorney revealed, he needs hemorrhoid surgery. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (0)

80-year-old Burglar Gets Life In California Prison

TORRANCE, CA (GlossyNews) — An 80-year-old woman with a criminal record stretching back to 1955 has been sentenced to die in state prison for the theft of petty cash from a local temporary staffing office. Activists have criticized the judge’s ruling as overly harsh and unusually cruel. The judge in the case defended his decision saying, “if the rule is three strikes and you’re out, Verdulia has gone down swinging for the last nine innings and it’s time she hit the showers for good”. Read the full story


Posted in Strange PeopleComments (0)

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls “a series of events that caused me to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (2)

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial