Posted on 16 September 2012.
It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.
Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)
Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.
At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.
Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?
Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:
• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?
• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?
• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?
• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?
• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?
• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?
• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?
• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?
• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?
• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?
• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?
• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.
Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.