Tag Archive | "presidential campaign"

My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump


Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds – admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.

If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light. Read the full story

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Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney


GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

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Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds


With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states.

Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some of them are pretty desperate to bring in even the first few dirty dollars.

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states… two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.” Yahoo News – September 7, 2012 Read the full story

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Election Update: Romney’s Brilliant Strategy to Win the Election


There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.

The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote). Read the full story

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Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?


It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.

Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.

Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?

Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:

• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?

• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?

• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?

• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?

• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?

• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?

• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?

• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?

• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?

• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?

• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?

• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.

Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.

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Romney Campaign Wants Your Suggestions. What Are You Waiting For?


The Romney campaign has taken the bold step of allowing for suggestions to come in through their website. What could possibly go wrong?

Do you have a message you’d like to send to Mitt Romney? I bet you could send him a real zinger, if you try.

Here are some ideas as to what you might suggest to Mitt Romney’s campaign, if you feel so inclined.

RIGHT: Mitt Romney has such big ideas contained in his big, big head… don’t tell that to his face. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Obama Has Had It, Drops Out of the Race and Out of the Presidency


President Obama has shocked the nation when, at his monthly public address, he announced that he was quitting the Presidential race.

Millions of voters across the nation were either shocked, angered or joyous at the incident. As you can probably guess, it was the Republicans who were joyous. Read the full story

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Students Rejoice at Permission to Call Professor Obama by First Name


AMERICA—Young people across the country got warm and fuzzy on Friday when Professor Barack Obama signed a class-wide email “Barack.” With the email, students now have unofficial but presumptive license to address Professor Obama by his first name. Read the full story

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Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting


BATON ROUGE, LA —EBBQ Newt Gingrich hastily called a press conference after appearing on Sean Hannity’s FOXNEWS telecast.

He said in opening the sparsely attended 2-reporter conference: “I was completely misquoted in my answer to Sean where he said that I had harshly criticized President Obama for his comment on Trayvon Martin’s tragic shooting. Read the full story

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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa


This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story

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Palin Unstoppable in New York Pre-Election Win


ALBANY, NY — Professional Political Campaigner and Alaska’s Former Republican Governor Sarah Palin stacked up yet another pre-election win today against Less Formidable Republican Campaigner and Georgia’s Newt Gingrich in a state House seat battle where neither opponent resides — New York.

Palin campaign spokesperson Meg Stapleton’s spokesperson played Stapleton’s taped press statement of Palin’s hand-written statement. Read the full story

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