Tag Archive | "homophobia"

Ode to the Wide Stance Republicans  (Your Love is Wide)


My stance is wide

My love is deep

True Christian men

Don’t judge lost sheep!

I was only on my winding way

I pitched my tent in a valley gay

I didn’t mean to cause dismay

My enemies lied upon me, while I lay

They grasped my buckler Read the full story

Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

Putin & ISIS: Tyranny’s Latest Flamboyant Supergroup


Universally beloved plastic pop enterprise X Factor has finally lost its shine.

Yup! No-one ever believed this classic of early 21st century manufactured inanity would ever end up being discredited by a flamboyant and sexually doubting, um, sexually dubious former KGB Lenin lookalike…

But such is life!

Or as Louis Walsh would no doubt belt out in his cups:

‘C’est la Vie!’

Still, the hidden hand of the music industry has guided the nation of Russia to unanticipated progress; all by means of mere individual self-interest!

Yes, just see this storming (not to say stormtrooping!) video of Russia’s most swishiest Elton John admirer for proof: Read the full story

Posted in Music, World NewsComments (0)

Section 28ers Suffer Backdoor Infiltration: ‘Trot Entryist’ Conspiracy!!!


The gay-bashing sub-Bullington-Boys caucus, the UK’s hetero-supremacist Section 28 caucus, have found themselves in a sticky situation.

But this time, it isn’t because a handful of London cabinet ministers and active participants in the scandalous London culture of sexual politics, um, sexual regulation, have suddenly capriciously withdrawn and left the Section 28ers high and dry!

You know, in order to pursue new acts of conquest, and joyously penetrate fresh new virgin territories…

So as to cheaply exploit the material and spiritual resources of their complicit and unprincipled compradors and Patsies, um, patsies in a measurably fullthroated and hearty manner. Read the full story

Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (0)

Rick Perry/Johnny Cash Article: Long-Winded Disclaimer & Non-Apology


Within seconds of publishing my article on Rick Perry as future Last Republican President and Johnny Cash Wannabe, my covert stash of hatemail, hater-mail and hateful-male-mail was inundated…

With millions upon billions of complaints about what some people considered to be a disrespectful gay come-on to Rick Perry.

Well, hey! It does appear that for some of you ‘open-minded-within-reason’ folks out there, ‘gay’ and ‘disrespectful’ are pretty synonymous. Still, let me remind you what I said last time. Read the full story

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, PoliticsComments (0)

Theresa May: ‘Win the Hearts of Moderate Homosexual Community’


Apparently, because Theresa May is from the Conservative Party, she has the dispiriting responsibility of reluctantly assimilating individuals in a rather more blunt and crude way than Labour or Lib Dems.

So she has sworn to “engage with the moderate homosexual community,” in order to ensure that gay people do not cause any more “chaos, subversion and aesthetic terrorism.”

As a Conservative, I have no problem acknowledging that the gay community is a very legitimate one, which actually does have a right to exist, to pay taxes, and not have an illegitimate suspension of habeas corpus inflicted on them. Read the full story

Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (0)

Pat Robertson: Gay Atheists are the Shocktroops of Iran


Pat Robertson is concerned at the mortal peril certain “bad folks” pose to people in the USA, and just this once, he’s not been shy to get to the root of the problem.

Now, listen carefully, my dear friends. If we are going to let all these, you know, these hooomoseeexual atheiiists, you know, if we tolerate them, let them work in our public facilities and business corporations….

Well, you’ve probably heard it before, but I’m gonna tell you, because it’s the truth, and it bears repeating. Read the full story

Posted in Religionism, TelevisionComments (0)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2) (NSFW)


Some would say that The Enemies Of Our Glorious Nation™ are quarrelsome folk.

(Or if not “enemies of America,” at least the enemies of the non-satire news media and of The International Beltway Community).

Still, there is such a thing as honor among thieves; or if not honor among thieves, at least honor among “Recalcitrationists Of The Universal Interest.” Read the full story

Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

Repentant Paisley’s Heterophobic Hate Campaign


Disclaimer: Earlier version published on TheSpoof.com. I’ve now come round to a more enlightened view of the sensitive matters in question ;)

Given the passing some months ago of Lord Bannside, it’s only fair that I inform you about one of the last interviews conducted with him…

In order to straighten me out set the record straight. Read the full story

Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear


Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
Read the full story

Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange PeopleComments (14)

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls


Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, TelevisionComments (0)

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*


Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has revealed production for the Duck Dynasty Season 5 finale has resumed and will be titled “The Camo Knight”.

Not all elements of the anticipated episode are known but it has been learned it will prominently feature patriarch Phil Robertson dressed as a crusading Knight Templar.

Robertson battles a mysterious figure dressed in a hooded dark cloak whose only visible clue is a long, blood stained beard. Each time Robertson loses a limb to the challenger Duck Dynasty drops 2 million viewers.

As his last leg hits the ground Robertson shouts “You fight like a sodomist, heathen pagan chicken! I keel you now!”. The figure walks away saying “It is finished” removing his cloak and revealing himself to be none other than Jesus Christ.

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (4)

Duck Dynasty Cancelled! A&E Introduces New Reality Show


New York City – Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poultry and more Kruk, John Kruk that is.

“A lot of people were disappointed when we first announced the cancellation,” said Executive Producer, Bill Abraham. “But once we announced the show’s replacement starring national icon, John Kruk, fans immediately jumped on the bandwagon and are looking forward to the premiere in January. For heaven’s sake, we sold out of ‘Kruk This’ t-shirts within nine minutes!” Added an exuberant Abraham.

A&E’s new show, Kruk Dynasty, will follow the many faces of John Kruk, from his days as an extraordinary Major League Baseball player to his current role as a popular Baseball Analyst for ESPN. The new show will aim to win back disgruntled fans, annoyed with Robertson’s homosexual comments and those unaware that Louisiana was part of the United States.

“I was about to boycott A&E, but then they announced this little miracle and I’m back onboard!” Said longtime television buff, Harry Michaels, who claims that he once watched Kruk hit a homerun and consequently nicknamed him “Kruk Kommander.”

Kruk Dynasty will premiere on Tuesday, January 7th at 9:00 p.m. and plans to air 16 weekly episodes during the inaugural season. John Kruk’s agent was unavailable for comment, but Kruk posted on Twitter (@KrukHunt) “Excited for the new series! Sorry about the ducks!”

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (8)

The Joker’s YouTube Video Fails to Trend


The Joker flew into a rage following failure of his new YouTube video to go viral. Efforts to sedate him similarly failed due to his high tolerance to anti-psychotic drugs.

According to psychiatrists at Arkham,” Hell, his half-assed effort to appear sane was about as successful as current gun-control laws and half as batshit crazy as Duck Dynasty. We figured it might just fly!” Following are excerpts from The Joker’s rambling 3-hour video.

Good evening Arkham! I’m the Joker and all I’ve got to say is I WAS FRAMED!!!! I’m not that vilified fictional character, slandered for decades in film and comics. I’m a real person and much less of a menace than that guy behind you in his Hummer talking on a cell phone.

I’m not homicidal unless you cut me off in traffic. And I may be deliriously misguided but even I know that privacy is an illusion. I’m the embodiment of skewed views, sure, but I’m also the antithesis of unrestrained, uninformed opinion, irrelevant dialog and inaccurate depiction. I’m a false impression designed to be extrapolated to disaster. Or I’m a vehicle for satirical discourse, nothing more. But, I’m probably more like you than you think.

I’m locked away here in Arkham, a victim of selective societal censorship and unpopular conjecture. In other words, they shut down my “pyrotechnic art display”. What’s it take to get some recognition in this town? So after being hidden away here in Arkham for a while, it occurred to me that maybe I need to get a grip on the anger issues. So I’ve done some reading in the library and decided to explore expressing myself in ways other than a homicidal rage. Dr. Crane suggested I start a blog. He also suggested I “fear him”, so the blog seemed like the better alternative.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Why should I take the blame for my own actions? I’m a scapegoat for the failure of others, placed here by the Batman (who is only an idea, nothing more). We all have a Batman in our midst, the same Batman that puts us all in cages, frightening us into silence from the darkness.

Lurking around in ways that would get me arrested. He is Version 6.0 of the Thought Police using the power of alienation to force conformity. And you have admit my purple and green combo isn’t exactly comformed dress. My entire universe is Arkham, but at least in this universe, I am surrounded by friends and other misfits. Here they call me “Jack”.

Dr. Crane also figured it would be good therapy to express myself through music, so I’d like to give a short concert with just me and my guitar. At first, I was going to play some Ray Charles on the banjo, but I just don’t see that happening now. The banjo is such a happy instrument. You just can’t play the blues on a banjo.

Wanna meet my friends? DO IT!!! I think you might know them anyway. First, I wanna give a shout out to The Riddler who couldn’t be here in person this evening because he’s undergoing shock therapy. But, he wanted me to read this little riddle for you. It sucks, but here goes…um….how is Batman like Pamela Anderson’s boobs? All three are fakes!! BUH-DUMP-BUMP. Give it up for Cat Woman on snare drum, folks…those were her boobs bouncing off of it. Yeah, she’s seen better days.

Yo, Penguin, thanks for being here. Glad to see you’re finally taking a balanced diet and dental hygiene seriously. Whassup Bane, how’s the detox going? Ah, right…one day at a time, Brother….one day at a time.

Not all of them showed up for the show. In the cell next mine is an ex-FBI agent. I talked to him briefly while they were hosing out his cell. He says UFOs kidnapped his sister and the government is covering it up. AH, HA, HAA, HAAAA! Yeah, that sucker is crazy!

Over there is a journalist who wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning expose about disinformation and the public being misinformed, deceived and led into a war. That’s not so bad…but when he takes his glasses off he thinks he’s an alien sent to Earth as an infant to rescue the world. Show him anything green and he flips out. And he discovered the hard way that he wasn’t bullet-proof after they found some disinformation he overlooked in his research. So he had no X- ray vision, either. I can’t figure out why there aren’t more politicians in here. But like beauty, insanity is in the eye of the beholder. And in the Land of the Loon, the sane man is screwed.

Then there’s me, singing folk songs, square dancing and looking like Bob Dylan with green hair. This evening, I wanted to sing a song close to my heart. But they took it away when they arrested me so I’m going to use this rubber facsimile to remind me of homicidal days long past. This is a song I wrote several years ago while I was depressed about global warming. But current events prompted me to re-write it with more relevant lyrics, lyrics which express the human condition today. It’s a song of alienation, isolation, degradation, and finally emancipation.

I…HEY! Get off the stage!!

I prefer to call it the “The Joker’s Blues” but in order to give proper credit to Gilbert O’ Sullivan…let’s call it “A Loon Again (Naturally)”.

“In a little while from now

Batman’s gonna learn how

I can gain in wealth and flirt with death

without graphics reading “Bang” and “Pow”.

I’ve selected the meds to stop,

and I’m climbing to the top

of the crime scene,

so you’ll know I mean

what I say now that I’m shattered!

Standing in the rain,

with the pain of a smile frozen

upon my face,

as white as paste.

So now no more restraining,

my dark and moody tone

because I’m on my own.

A loon again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday

people thought I dressed too gay,

and looking forward to what Batman would do

to harass me every night and day.

He’d always knock me down.

But, insanity came around

and without so much,

as a mere touch

I splintered into little pieces.

Leaving me to doubt

talk about God and His mercy

’cause if He really does exist

he still let’s Batman hurt me.

But, I’m not the only one

who’s harassed just for fun.

A loon again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world

that can’t be mended.

Left unattended.

What would you do,

if it were you?

(Guitar solo)

Looking back over the years,

I see shattered hopes and fears.

I remember I cried about wounded pride

heaped on me by my callous peers.

And by thirty-five years old

the darkness overtook my soul.

Now I understand as an older man,

all the bullsh#t I have taken.

So I intend to start

to fix a heart so badly broken

from few supportive words for me,

or kindly deeds unspoken.

That pain is gone away,

and I’m on meds all day,

A loon again, naturally.

A loon again, naturally…”

AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

Good night, Arkham I’m here all week!!!!

All…week…long!!!!

Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (3)

Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic.

In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic tune stems from the following verse:

They know that Santa’s on his way
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh,
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna spy, Read the full story

Posted in Music, PoliticsComments (0)

Original Poster Is Actually a Bundle of Sticks


Today the internet was shocked and quite frankly a little turned on by a new discovery: OP (or original poster) is a faggot.

Internet researchers are still trying to figure out how a bundle of sticks is responsible for every single thread in every single message board on the internet. Read the full story

Posted in Internets Tubes, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Dark Day for Homophobes on Facebook


MISSISSIPPI— Paula McClure (48) a housewife and occasional churchgoer, was watching television. Not Netflix on a television, but honest to God TV with commercials and all.

Today Paula has disconnected from the internet entirely because the Supreme Court ruled that section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional and that the California’s Prop 8 had no legal standing to be reviewed before the Supreme Court. Her world is inside out. Read the full story

Posted in Human InterestComments Off

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