Tag Archive | "god"

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting


Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, ReligionismComments (1)

Recession Success of Walmart, McDonalds Proves God “Kind of a Jerk”


As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves. Read the full story

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Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”


Washington, DC (GlossyNews.com): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.

According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking “unspecified damages” against “The Lord God, Almighty,” for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. Read the full story

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God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92


MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”


Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has reached the level of leadership needed to take his prophetic brand of hegemony to the next level.

But is his firebrand flavor of beliefs different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to? Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, Strange PeopleComments (3)

God and Devil Near Reconciliation; Supergroup to Re-form


Reports indicate Lucifer and the Almighty One may be close to a rapprochement that could bring Satan back to Heaven in a yet undisclosed role. St. Mark, spokesman for the Heavenly press office, continues to state that Lucifer left of his own accord and insists that there are no official plans to add anyone to the Heavenly trio.

However, in the last few months there have been rumors of discussions between the two sides. Insiders reached via email and ouija board have indicated that thumbs are prickling and an official announcement may be coming. Read the full story

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Posted in Music, ReligionismComments (0)

God Photoshops Jupiter


Galley Leio, Australia – An amateur astronomer from Australia has photos to prove that God has a computer and He’s pretty good at photoshopping objects in the universe to change their appearance (God that is).

Take Jupiter for example. Astronomers claim that normal pictures of Jupiter show two distinct bands of dark cloud matter over the northern and southern ends of the planet, with the Giant Red Spot visible down by the lower dark band.

When Australian Astronomer Nicus Coper viewed Jupiter just last month however, after the planet came out from behind the sun, the dark band at the bottom was missing and the Giant Red Spot was redder. Read the full story

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Palin Truths Rile Up Political Base Again


Recently, on the Bill O’Reilly Show, Sarah Palin made this statement “American Law Should Be Based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.” It is not enough that the founding fathers saw fit to make God a part of their decision-making process when crafting this country’s laws, Palin believes that the laws of this country should be based in the belief system of one faith only, the Judeo-Christian faith. Read the full story

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God Is Definitely Gay: Says Dutch Sexpert


Utrecht, Holland (GlossyNews) — At the risk of raising the ire of religious straight people worldwide, Barend Hardwinkel, Gay Sexpert from Amsterdam, Netherlands has written in his new book, Move Over, Mary, that, “Yes, God is definitely gay.“

In an interview punctuated with controversy, Hardwinkel laid out his case:

“Look-I’ll make it easy for you. From day one God’s been on fire. She is very creative, which is a sure sign of gayness. Big poofy clouds, sparkly stars, sprinkly snow, outrageous sunsets Read the full story

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God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth


ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, ReligionismComments (7)

GOD: HUMANITY CURSED BECAUSE OF PACT MADE WITH PAT ROBERTSON


THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.

Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (2)

Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation


Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once and for all.

In an interview with Fr. Guido Sarducci, editor of The Vatican Enquirer, Pope Benny revealed that he had had a long conversation with The Almighty regarding his apparent lack of interest in matters earthly. Read the full story

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Special Hell for CEOs Created


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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How a Magical God Experience Transforms People


(People seem very interested in the Question of God… So here’s another paper on God and Mysticism and Human Progression…)

‘Characteristics and experiences perceived during the mystical state have been examined in many scientific studies, the majority falling into the 1950’s and 60’s, in the period after their discovery before politics made scientific investigation difficult. Such notables as Timothy Leary, Aldous Huxley, Richard Alpert, Albert Hoffman, and Alexander T. Shultes have extensively worked in this area. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (1)

O’Reilly Interviews God, Tells Him To ‘Shut Up!’


In a controversial incident on Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing God, asking how the Almighty could come to allow the Democrats to run both the Senate and White House. During God’s attempt to explain that he had to be fair to all sides, O’Reilly got peeved when God started to explain the Democrats point of view and constantly interrupted Him. Midway through the show O’Reilly blew his stack and told God to “Shut up!” Read the full story

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God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”


God, highest imagined power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John McCain. “No,” said God, with a chorus of angels in accompaniment. “I will not honor the requests of you or Sarah Palin. Sorry. I have bigger things to deal with and you should stop praying to me for this.” Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

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